To Hope and To Heal
by E.B.Lawrence
Summary: "I don't remember when it started exactly. Perhaps it was the day he started digging out earth for the primrose bushes but even then, I was too far-gone to truly even believe that he and I would ever have the chance at a normal life again. " A story of falling apart and growing back together.
1. Prologue

I don't remember when it started exactly. Perhaps it was the day he started digging out earth for the primrose bushes but even then, I was too far-gone to truly even believe that he and I would ever have the chance at a normal life again.

For months, I had positioned myself in a rocking chair close to my ash-laden fireplace. In the hours that passed by, I realized that is all I ever would be, ashes. My fire had gone out and all that remained was a lifeless soul floating about. I had no home, no family and no hope. I quietly wished that I would just slip away in sleep one day. Greasy Sae would find me forever asleep, and then they would bury me someplace near the woods or in the meadow District 12 graveyard with my lost friends and countrymen, dead because of me.

The thought consumed me. Even in death, I would be circled by the long list of names of those I had indirectly murdered. So death was not an option, either. Snow had made sure that I would never again find peace.

It was on one of these gray and lifeless days that I heard the noise. I noticed the dull scraping sound and heavy breathing rather quickly since all I had heard these past few months was the screams and bombs bursting inside of my own head.

Somewhat curious, I stepped out of my usual place and ran outside, unsure of whether or not to be scared. Unsure, I decided the best feeling I could come up with was annoyed. How dare someone disturb my depressed state. I was about to scream a string of curse words when I turned the corner. That's when saw him.

He looked at me with those blue eyes I had come to know so well. I shuddered at the sight of him. He was skinnier than I had remembered, his hair was somewhat dirty, there were some burn scars along his neck and even at 17, he looked aged.

He didn't look or act like the murderous boy I had once known and the change in personality frightened me.

"Hi." I said as I exhaled in surprise.

"Hey," he said.

"What are you doing?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"They are for her. I hope you don't mind." He turned his body to reveal a wheelbarrow of wild bushes. Primrose bushes.

I could feel my breath getting heavy, my eyes becoming glassy but then I felt something happen that I had not felt in the longest time. Pure warmth radiated from my heart and filled my body with a smallest sense of joy. It caused me to upturn my lips into a small smile, the first in many months.

"Thank you." I said, my voice just above a whisper.

"You are welcome." He said.

He seemed to be studying me, looking me up and down to assess the damage. I become self-conscious, blushing from embarrassment. He looked heavenly compared to me.

My matted hair sat in large clumps at my shoulders and the blanket I clung around me was ragged and dirty with dust. I pulled it tighter, trying to hide my skinny form. If he saw me, he would immediately want to feed me but I didn't want him too. If anything, I wanted him to leave me to die. Facing him was too hard.

With this thought, I turned and ran inside, locking the door as I went. I stood in the kitchen for a moment, frightened. The quiet darkness was present until it was replaced with the sound of the shoveling again.

Peeta was home and he was better. I was home and a complete wreck. I slipped back into my rocking chair in front of my ashy fireplace, listening to the beat of the shovel against the dirt and the small grunts that fell from his breath.

Just like the small eruption of joy that I had after seeing the bushes, I felt something similar only more powerful. It was a calm sense of despair and happiness that combined in my heart. Now that he was home, I would be forced to move on, no longer meet death but be forced to hope, he would see to that, no matter my struggles against him.

So somewhere between my mixed feelings of grief and newfound hope, I managed a small tear that fell from my eyes and across my cheek. Leaving a wet river that told me that I was no longer void of emotion.


	2. Into the Forest

In the weeks that passed by, the world turned green again. The aroma of spring's debut was heavy in the air. Greasy Sae had opened all of the windows in the house, saying it would clear out the stuffy air but I knew it was really to tempt me outside again.

I hadn't left the house since my run-in with Peeta. I did not fear him. Haymitch told me that he was much better after months of therapy and from what I could tell, pure determination.

"He's not exactly the same. But then again none of us are." Haymitch said.

"I know. It's just…" I paused.

"I don't know if I am ready to face him yet." I said.

I felt guilty and selfish for avoiding him when he had been nothing but good to me since returning home. After he had planted the bushes, he began leaving baskets of fresh bread on my front steps in the morning. Greasy Sae would cut them up and serve them to me for lunch and dinner. Even without facing me, he was trying to heal me.

Some part of me hated him for it. Why couldn't he see that I was a lost cause? I didn't want healing. I wanted death. My other part of me wanted to run to him and thank him. But what would I say after a simple thank you. There was much to be said but I didn't want to relive it.

"You should see him. He deserves at least some sort of word from you." Haymitch said.

I nodded.

"Maybe, later." I said.

A couple days followed and I kept thinking about ways to repay Peeta's kindnesses. I stared out of my bedroom window, seeing his planted primroses in full bloom along the side of the house.

Oh, Prim.

My sweetest sister, the kindest child the world ever knew…taken from me. The only person I ever truly loved…gone.

All I had left of her was a few short memories and fragrant bushes along the side of my house. No one would remember her sweetness like I did. How was I supposed to move on when all I could see was her angelic face haunting me every day?

My quiet remorse lasted for a few minutes before Greasy Sae wondered into my room, carrying my clean sheets and laundry.

"What a lovely day it is." She remarked.

I sat in silence. I would have thought so once.

"You should see it for yourself, Katniss. Go hunting in the woods or something. We need some fresh meat around here."

I stared up at her for a moment. In all the times that she had been over, she had never mentioned hunting or the woods. She knew I wasn't ready enough but now…was I well enough? Was I stable enough to handle such work?

She nodded to me, sensing my internal battle. If she thought I could handle a few hours of hunting then maybe I should go.

"Okay." I whispered.

"Very good." She responded as she made my bed.

I walked out of the room and downstairs to a small coat closet that stood between the back door and the kitchen. I held the handle and turned the knob slowly. The door creaked open to reveal the hunting jacket I had once loved.

I was surprised I did not break down at the sight of it. It's warm, brown leather signified something of old and days gone by but it also held a promise of something new. I grabbed the arms and pulled it off of the hanger and onto me.

A thousand memories rushed through me. Of Gale and I silently walking around the woods, of Prim and her smiling face, of my mother and her depressed world and of Peeta's arms, the only thing I knew that could replace this jacket's warmth.

I thought of my father and the days that he would teach me about hunting, swimming and singing. I wondered if he knew what I had done. If he was watching me and saw all that I had destroyed. I shuddered, he could never be proud of me. I had managed to destroy our family in matter of years. Forever shattering any bond that I would have with the woman I call my mother.

I couldn't think about this now. I had to leave before it became too late for me to go out at all. Shifting the jacket around my frame and tying my shoes upon my feet, I stepped outside to my backyard. It was a little chilly but the sun sitting on my shoulders made up for it.

I rounded the house and headed towards the entrance of Victor's Village. Unconsciously, I slowed my pace as I passed the front of Peeta's house. There was smoke coming from the chimney, telling me that he was home. A rocking chair sat elegantly on his front porch and the grass around his front yard had been trimmed. It looked cozy and happy. I stopped, hoping to catch a glimpse of him inside but the house stood dark. I wondered why all of the lights were off and none of the window blinds were open. Could he be going through the same thing as I? Was he having an episode?

I panicked. Breathing hard. He must be hurt or something. In a fit of insanity, I started to run up to his front porch, passing his gate when I was stopped short at the sight of him coming around the house. Carrying a large stack of wood, he looked up from his place and inhaled.

"Katniss," he said breathlessly. "You surprised me. Is everything alright?" he asked as worry filled his brow.

I stood there like a frightened deer about to be attacked. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't expecting this.

"No, everything is fine." I managed to eek out. The panic that had previously filled me sputtered up in my heart again. I turned from his gaze and ran down the road and towards the woods without looking back.

Once I had run across town, through the meadow and passed the fence, I reached the woods. I ran for a while longer until I came to a large tree. Gasping for air and bending over to rest from running, I thought only of Peeta's perplexed stare.

He was not frightened or had lashed out in anger when he saw me. He looked almost happy to see me, a wisp of a smile drawn across his lips. He wasn't a threat to me anymore. He only wanted to help me.

I crawled between two large roots of a tree and listened to my ragged breath calm as the sound of wind and singing birds that replaced it. I hadn't been out here in some time and I sat in awe as the sunlight drove its rays through the trees. I could hear the light pitter-patter of animals wondering around the forest floor. Leaves shaded the floor and I could hear a small creek babbling along the rocks someplace near by.

The peaceful sounds and sights of the forest were calming to me and I suddenly felt myself being persuaded to close my eyes. I snuggled against the roots of the tree. At the moment, they were more comfortable than my own bed.

I was proud of myself. Even in my skittish state, I had managed to make it out of the house and back into the forest. I had forgotten how soothing this place could be and for a few moments, my nightmares and depression disappeared from my mind.

As relaxation started to fill my body, a word came to my mind.

"Always."

Usually, the phrase would have jolted me into stress, reminding me of past terrors and my broken promises but now the phrase seemed to linger upon the air and lull me as I fell under the forest's soothing spell.

That's when I thought of Peeta's generosity with the bread and I suddenly knew what I could do to repay him.


	3. Repaying the Debt

I walked around the forest floor, looking up at the sunlight between the trees. Despite my absence from this place, I knew where I was going almost without thinking. My legs seemed to carry me along the path that I used to take everyday.

I passed by large bushes and ferns, stepped on crinkling twigs and crawled along the dirt and stood before a large and wise old tree. It towered among the others and was easily recognizable for its majestic stance. I circled the base of it until I came across the wide opening along the trunk. Timidly, I reached my hand inside along the hallow walls until I felt the touch of smooth wood and taught string.

A bow. My father's bow. My bow.

I hadn't picked it up from its hiding place since the days before the Quarter Quell. Seemed strange to think of it, peacefully sitting here while I was away at war. The brown wooded handle and fitted string had survived so much and yet it was still in prime condition. I ran my hands lovingly up and down the side, wanting to take it its presence. I reached my hand into the trunk again and found the five arrows and sling I had been trained to hunt on. The feathers along the stems were damaged and torn along the edges but they did not seem to bother me much, I was damaged and torn as well.

Silently and slowly, I began to hunt along the path, taking down small birds and squirrels as I went. I hadn't felt this focused in such a long time. The forest and I communicated in an unspeakable language that seemed to drown out my past. I had stopped thinking of nightmarish memories, of Prim's death, of my own depression. I was unaware that I was becoming strong again.

I spent a couple of hours out in the woods before I noticed the darkening shadows along the trees. They danced along the earth, almost taunting my skittish and scarred memories to be forced out. I felt my breath catch again, knowing that if I stayed out here any longer the darkness would consume me and drain me of any progress I had made that day.

I picked up my game bag full of my catches for the day and replaced my bow and arrows in its spot inside the hallow tree trunk. I ran up the hill towards the forest's edge along the meadow. Once I past through the trees, the sky had become dark and winter's last breath started to blanket the earth. As I crossed the meadow, I could hear nothing, no birds or children playing, only my feet through the dead grass.

I ran passed town; the lights were dark. It must have at least 9:00 in the evening for so little activity to be taking place. Once I passed the entrance to the Victor's Village, I noticed my house was still aglow. Greasy Sae must have been waiting up for me. I ran up the steps to my front porch and pulled off my dirty shoes before opening the door.

Her cold eyes looks up at my as I walked in. She was sitting in my rocking chair by the fireplace before she stood up with hands on her hips. I knew this couldn't be good.

"Where have you been?" She snapped at me.

"I am sorry. I was out in the woods and I lost track of time." I said.

Her eyes softened a little. She must have sensed that I had a good time out in the woods.

"Well…just don't go scarin' me like that! I thought somethin' had happened to you. Almost sent Peeta out to look for you." She said as she backed towards the kitchen.

The mention of his name caused me to remember my game bag that I had left by the door.

"Oh yeah, I brought home some fresh game. Nothing large, just a couple of squirrels and rabbits." I pushed the bag towards her. After my trek in the woods, I did not feel like skinning the animals and preparing the meat.

Greasy Sae seemed to understand and grabbed the bag possessively.

"Well it's about time we had some 'round here!" She exclaimed.

She left for the kitchen and I took her place in the rocking chair by the fire. The cold air had caused her to light a fire, the first one in some time. There were large logs burning along the floor and I suddenly wondered if Peeta had brought them over from his stash this morning.

"Don't cook all the game for us tonight," I yelled across the room. "I want to save some…for Peeta."

There was a pause. Greasy Sae hadn't heard me talk about him and to acknowledge his existence was probably surprising to her.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Probably needs something to eat besides bread. By the way, he brought some over for dinner. Cheese buns, I think." Greasy Sae said.

My heart felt a little flutter. He remembered.

In some memory a long time ago, I had told him of my affection for his bakery's cheese buns. So the memories of me were becoming real to him again. I sort of smiled and looked down at my playing hands.

I wanted to laugh and tell Greasy Sae the significance of his gift but all that came out was a cold,

"That's nice."

No other words were spoken until dinner was being served, a hardy blend of squirrel and rabbit stew. Paired with Peeta's cheese buns, it was a feast made for a king.

I toyed with my spoon as I ate the last half of my stew, thinking of Peeta, my want to talk to him but my need to be away from him, it was confusing to me. How could I ever face him again? More importantly, why does he want to talk to me again? After everything I have done to him, he still sends over baskets of bread as if he was the one to blame for my catatonic state.

"Why don't you take some of your game over to Peeta now?" Greasy Sae suggested. "I'll clean up the dishes."

She stood taking my dishes and looked me in the eye. It was almost as if she was pushing me out the door. I suddenly regretted telling her of my want to take any game over to Peeta. I did not want to talk to anyone tonight; I already had seen Peeta enough for the day.

Nevertheless, I walked into the kitchen, pulled the plates of fresh meat the counter and into my trembling hands and slowly walked towards the front door.

The quiet night did not offer me any comfort as I stepped outside. I could only hear myself nervously breathing as I crossed the street and walked towards Peeta's house. Through the window, I could see the glowing light from his kitchen. He must have been baking a couple rolls of bread for tomorrow's breakfast.

I stopped halfway in his yard. Unlike this morning, when I was caught in a panicked run towards his house, I was now stumbling slowly towards the door. I wanted to turn backwards, run back home but my body propelled me forward until I reached Peeta's door. My hand grazed the wood of his door and I held my breath as I slowly knocked three times.

The thump of large footsteps caused me to lose my breath. I felt the warmth of Peeta's home envelop me as he opened the door. He wore the same surprised expression he held when he had seen me this morning, panicking in his front yard.

"Katniss," he started. "What a surprise."

His tone was eerily calm. How could he remain so sure and steady? After the hijacking, his emotions were unguarded and composure was no longer one of his strong suits. He looked healthy, almost like his old self, despite the burn wounds. His eyes shined brightly at me, waiting patiently for me to respond.

I was struck with a sense of quiet terror like a schoolgirl talking to her schoolyard crush. I wanted to breathe but somehow I had forgotten how. Finding a small drop of courage, I inhaled,

"These are for you." I said. Never once looking down, I pushed the plates towards him.

He looked down and took them from my hands. He smiled brightly at the game. He knew what it meant, I was healing and in someway he was helping me to do it. I wanted to slap the smile off of his face; I didn't want him to feel any pleasure from trying to fix me. Couldn't he see that I was passed help? I was about to scream at him but I couldn't take my eyes of his lips.

He and I shared many memories of starved kisses, warm kisses and on occasion, passion filled kisses. He looked so healthy compared to me. He muscles tightened around the sleeves of his white shirt and his blue eyes glimmered with happiness.

"Thank you." He replied. His voice was like honey, warm and comforting.

I could feel the beginnings of a sob form in my throat. How I had longed to hear that sweet, melodious voice swim around me again as it had in my happy dreams of him in District 13.

When he was still being tortured in the capitol and I was in District 13, the nightmares that took me were truly inescapable. I could hear his screams over and over again in my head but on occasion, when the nightmares wouldn't come, I would replay his sweet words to me. When I would wake, I could hear the echo of them ring through my head.

These dreams were almost worse than any nightmare. Their happy glaze caused me to feel almost euphoric and then to wake up realizing that it wasn't real, made me feel such a deep sadness. While the nightmares numbed me from emotion, the warm memories of him ripped at my soul.

To cover up my vulnerable state, I looked up at him and nodded before retreated slowly back down the steps and towards my door. I ran inside locking the door behind me. I suddenly felt my breath come back.

I don't know what to think. I was so close to breaking down in front of him. I can't let him see me like that, it might break him, send him back to one of his flashbacks or something. I am just going to have to stay away from him for a while, at least until I overcome my brokenness.

I turn and peer between two window blinds. In the dim streetlights that glow at night, I can still see Peeta on his porch. Only this time, he is seated in his rocking chair, eyes closed and silently rocking back and forth with a small smile tracing his face.

The sight warms my trembling body and lingers in my thoughts as I walk up stairs for bed. I accept sleep happily. There will be no nightmares tonight.


	4. Bread for Dinner

As predicted, the nightmares did not come. The images of mutts and lost children were stilled by images of my day in the forest and Peeta in his rocking chair. How peaceful he had looked, this broken and beaten man. How did he manage to fight off the terror-filled memories so easily? I was suddenly transfixed with a feeling of jealousy. Peeta had found peace and I realized that the quiet solitude he had found was something that I wanted too.

I rose from bed and ran into my bathroom to ready myself for the day. I took a long and steaming shower, running my calloused hands through the water a couple of times. I stepped out, brushed myself with a towel and ran to my closet with Cinna's clothes.

The gorgeous silks, velvet sleeves and masterful sewing sent a shock through my body. As beautiful as they were, I would never want to wear them again, it was too painful. Now, they just stood in the depths of my closet, collecting dust and reminding me of his untimely death. I did not want to look at the gowns but I knew I couldn't bring myself to destroy them either; it would have been a dishonor to Cinna.

"Maybe I could send them to Annie in District 4." I thought, remembering the time I had lent her one of my dresses for her wedding. "She might like that."

I pulled the clothes from their place and sat them on the bed before I changed into my own clothes. I pulled on a light shirt, green pants and my father's hunting jacket before grabbing the dresses and heading out into the hall.

I smiled and quickly ran across the hall. I couldn't wait to tell Greasy Sae of my plan and newfound motivation. I was just about to run down the stairs when I caught sight of a figure standing in the door.

My heart stopped beating and my breath synched when I heard the knock the door. Frightened by the sound, I dropped the gowns on the floor and ran up the stairs and into my room.

They kept knocking and knocking. Who could it be? I never received visitors. Greasy Sae always let herself in and Haymitch never let himself out of his house. The only two alternatives left were Peeta or Peacekeepers and both options terrified me.

I could hear Greasy Sae trudge across my living room to answer the door.

"I'm comin'. I'm comin'." She said.

She opened the door while I skittishly sat in my room listening to the conversation happening below.

"Well hi Peeta! Surprised to see out and about. How are you doin'?" Greasy Sae said excitedly.

"Greasy Sae, I'm alright, thanks." Peeta replied.

"Anything I can do for you?" Greasy Sae asked.

"I was wondering if you had seen Katniss today. I wanted to thank her for the game last night." Peeta said eagerly.

"Sure have. Hey Katniss, come down here! We got company!" Greasy Sae yelled up to me as she retreated back into the kitchen.

I stood suddenly, still terrified and overcome with nerves. I walked slowly out of my room and breathed slowly in and out. Walking passed my dropped dresses and down the steps, I managed to make my way to Peeta who was standing just outside of the house.

He smiled up at me, affection played in his eyes and he stood relaxed, holding a basket of bread at his side.

My breath was back but my nerves were still present. I looked at the ground, avoiding his eyes.

"Hello." I whispered, staring at the wood paneling across the floor.

"Hey Katniss." He said gently. His composure agitated me so I looked up at him with annoyed eyes.

"What do you want?" I said a little too curtly.

"I just wanted to thank you for the game last night. It was very thoughtful." He said kindly.

"Yeah well, it's not that big of a deal." I said. I didn't understand why I felt so defensive, he had not done anything to merit this kind of behavior from me.

When Peeta had been hijacked, I had all but voted him out of my life to protect him and to protect me. I still harbored some icy feelings toward him. His hijacked and cold words and glances he had given to me were fresh in my memory. Yes, I still didn't trust him. The nervous and terrified glances proved that, but I couldn't pull myself away from either. He was desperately trying to repair broken bonds; the least I could do was help him.

We stood there awkwardly. Me, with my arms folded across my chest from agitation and anxiousness and him, just outside of the house, holding a small basket of bread. He looked at the floor, mirroring my behavior. I had disappointed him from my apathetic words and guilt started to rush through me.

"Well," he started, "it was nice anyway. Here is some bread for you and Greasy Sae to share. I hope you like it." Peeta said. His response was almost sad. His head hung low as he handed me the basket, like a child in trouble.

A sobbed clinched at my throat. I wanted to apologize for my brash introduction this morning, promise him more game and thank him for the bread but all could do was nod at the floor.

His eyes caught mine as I raised my head. There was no venom in them, only a look defeat and pain. The look resonated with me; I remembered he wore the same expression when were hiding in Tigress's basement during the war, when he wanted me to shoot him.

He turned from me, preparing to return to his house across the street. I felt him slipping away from me and in desperation for his attention I called his name.

"Peeta wait!" I shouted.

He turned, looking perplexed, waiting for me to continue.

I had a surge of courage, not fully aware of what I was saying.

"Greasy Sae…she's making stew with rabbit tonight and well…if you want you can…I mean-"

I looked down again, my cheeks were red from embarrassment and I ran my hand over the breadbasket nervously. All of the sudden, I saw his hand reach for mine. He gently laid a soft palm on top of my frightened fingers and then pushed a finger under my chin, forcing me to stare at him.

"I would love to." He smiled sweetly.

I sighed. The combination of his soft touch and hushed voice instantly calmed me.

"Okay" I said, slightly smiling at him, silently thanking him for his understanding.

"See you tonight then." He said before releasing my head and hands and retreating down the stairs and across the street.

I watched him walk back before pulling myself back inside. I closed the door and walked through the living room and towards the kitchen, where Greasy Sae was waiting breakfast for me.

I sat silently, staring at the broth and bread that was before me. Thinking of Peeta, my mixed feelings for him. I wanted him to bring me peace but I couldn't shake the fear and pain that he had caused me during the war.

"Well, guess I'll have to get another plate for dinner tonight." Greasy Sae said, breaking me from my thoughts.

I looked at her; she was still wearing that smirk she had given me when Peeta had come to the door. I wanted to rub it off of her face.

"It's not like that." I said defensively. Any hint at a budding relationship with Peeta sent shivers down my spine. The last time someone suspected me of loving him caused me months of anguish and him, months of unending torture.

"I didn't say it was." She rebutted.

"Well, I just thought we should have him over, just once. You know, to welcome him back." I said, a little too sweetly.

"Well, that's unusually thoughtful of you." She said laughingly.

I glared at her, silently begging her to give up her probing about Peeta and I. She must have caught the message because she shifted in her chair and sighed.

"By the way, what were you doin' with all those fancy clothes this mornin'?" She asked, quickly changing the subject.

I gasped and remembered my plan and Annie. I stood from my place at the table, ran to the top of the stairs and grabbed the dresses. I came back downstairs and draped them over the sofa in the living room.

"They are for Annie, Finnick's wife." I said. "I don't think I will want to wear them again so I thought I could send them to her. She loved looking at them when she was here." I explained.

Greasy Sae looked at me proudly. It was the second time that I had shown any sign of getting out of my depression and back to reality. She walked from her place at the table and looked me up and down admiringly before grabbing me in a small hug. We stood there for a while, understanding the weight of the moment. She had waited so long for me to start living again.

"Well," she started, "You best be gettin' them packaged up if you want them to get out on the afternoon train." She said to me, still hugging me.

As I pulled myself from her grasp, I could have sworn I saw a misty tear drop from her eye. I decided not to mention it for fear of embarrassing her.

"Thank you…for everything." I said.

The words were meek but their meaning cascaded upon us. Without Greasy Sae, I would be dead by now, I would never have hunted again, and never seen the forest again and never would have seen a treated Peeta return to District 12. She was another person that I would never be able to repay.

She nodded at me and grabbed the dresses before returning to the kitchen. She pulled a large box from the cupboard, folded the gowns neatly and placed them inside.

"I don't have any binding for the box but I think they sell some in town. You think you can get down there alright?" She said as she handed me the box.

"Yes, I think so. I feel better, I really do. Do you need anything else from town?" I said as I reached for my small coin purse on the fireplace.

"No, I don't think so but why don't you look around for yourself. You know, go into one of them shops where they sell them fancy smellin' stuff?" She said, hinting at something.

I paused and sat the box on the floor.

"You mean perfume?" I asked, annoyed at her suggestion.

"Yeah…perfume." She said as she turned to pick up the breakfast dishes on the table.

I was mad now. She wanted me to get pretty for Peeta.

"First of all," I started, "I smell just fine. Second of all, having Peeta for dinner does not imply that we are romantically involved. That stopped the minute he came back from the capitol in 13." I yelled at her.

"I didn't say nothin' about Peeta! I just thought you might like somethin' nice for yourself. You've spent almost four months cooped up in this house, time you fixed yourself up and grew up." She spat.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the box of gowns for Annie and walked towards the door.

What did Greasy Sae know about perfume? As if I would ever even think of impressing Peeta. We had such an atypical relationship that any traditional act of putting on heirs seemed almost ridiculous.

I walked fast as I passed his house, still feeling a bit of anxiousness from this morning's dinner invitation. His rocking chair sat empty on his porch and I suddenly wondered where he was.

I sighed, thinking of Peeta's sweetness this morning.

"Well, maybe I'll just look at a couple perfumes. Just for myself." I thought.


	5. Morning in Town

Carrying the large box through town was little more difficult than I had expected. Talented Cinna had created dresses that were so delicate and lovely to look at but exceptionally heavy to carry across town. My arms had started to feel like jelly by the time I had made it to the town's square and I was forced to stop and rest.

I stretched my arms and looked around. Since the fire bombing of District 12, not much had changed. Only 200 people had returned to the district, most of who were merchants trying to reclaim their businesses and old folk who refused to go anywhere else. The streets were still filled with white ash that looked like dried snow. Hallowed out buildings remained dark and lifeless and the stench of the dead still hung in the air.

I sat down along a turn of a used-to-be road looking at the destruction that had been done by the capitol's hand. There were people mulling about, going through piles of debris, and looking for anything of value. There were a couple of men pushing down a flimsy and fire-burned wall of a building. I startled when it came crashing down and formed a large dust cloud around the square. District 12, the once starving child of all the districts, was now a scrappy skeleton of what it used to be.

Not all had been lost though, as most of the returning survivors were merchants. They managed to start little shops in makeshift tents and small corners of damaged buildings. The Capitol had begun sending us supplies as soon as the war was over; mostly food at first but pretty soon, shopkeepers began receiving stocks of medical supplies and tools to sell amongst ourselves.

One of these places was a little hole-the-wall store owned by a tiny, old man. From what I gathered, he used to be merchant who worked that worked in tools and construction supplies. I had never seen him before my return to 12 but I am sure that Peeta must have known him.

His shack-like shop was built in an alley between two destroyed buildings in town. There were two large bed sheets that hung in place of a roof and three tables that acted as display counters. I couldn't help but think of the Hob when I walked up to it. Paint scrappers, hammers, nails and screws were neatly divided along the salvaged tables but the shops junky appearance did not help their case. For the first time in my life, I pitied a merchant. Here was a man who was once at the top of District 12's economic pyramid, a successful craftsman. Now, his shop more closely resembled the Hob, instead of an actual business.

I made my way through the tent-like structure with the box in my hands. I reached the back when I called out to the man sitting in the dark corner of the tent.

"Excuse me," I started. I was nervous. I did not like conversing with strangers as a general rule and after seeing the destruction of the district today, I felt even more anxious.

"I…I was wondering if you could help me…I need some tape for this box. It's going on the train today, you see." I explained.

My small voice seemed to reach him and he sat up from his stool in the back. He was a frail and little man who had a prune-like mouth and tiny eyes that squinted at me. Even though he was almost a foot shorter than I, his glare intimidated me into the weaker position.

"You want a what did you say?" He asked, leaning his ear towards me. He must have been somewhat deaf.

"I said tape," I said a little louder, "for my package."

"Oh tape!" He nodded in understanding and waddled passed me to a table at the other end of the space.

He handed me a small roll of clear tape before staring back at me. I sensed some sort of tension between us but I couldn't guess where it came from. All I had asked for was some packaging wrap.

Feeling the need to escape, I handed him some coins and turned to run out of the shop when his voice stopped me.

"You're that girl aren't ya? The one they all talk about." He remarked, glaring at me.

I became aware of my fast breathing and accelerated heart rate. Oh no, I wasn't prepared for this.

"Y-yes." I said sheepishly.

This short and frail man could not harm me with swords or knives but he could easily destroy me with a couple of words, anyone could. While they could not pierce the skin, any message from him would collapse my already broken heart. I prepared myself for a sharp attack by breathing in one last breath before his words hit my like a slap across the face. But the remarks did not come, only a whisper of a phrase I was so used to hearing.

"I'm sorry." He said coldly. There was no feeling in his simple words but I knew what it meant.

People knew of my losses, my exile to 12, Peeta's hijacking and my mental state but they couldn't bring themselves to offer any empathy, who would? Their families, homes, and livelihoods had been incinerated into ashes and I was to blame.

I nodded before running out of his tent. I choked back a horrid sob that started to bubble from my throat and grabbed my box and tape. Tears started to burn in my eyes as I headed towards the train station.

People stared as I ran passed them. They knew who I was, what I had done to them. I felt their cold eyes watch me, blaming me. This was one of my nightmares only this time, I couldn't wake up.

"Just get to the train station," I said to myself, hiding my face underneath the large box of Cinna's dresses, "Just give them Annie's package and you can go back home."

I made it to the small window where you could drop off letters and packages. I set my package on the ground, taped it up as quickly as I could and approached the window. There was an old woman who sat behind it and she looked at me in disbelief.

"Please, I need to send out today, to Annie Odair in District 4." I said through labored breaths. I was tired from running, nauseous from nerves and crying for the want to go home.

The old woman stared at me; she had her hair tied back into a bun and her round face held a permanent mask of dirt.

"Alright," she said, "I just need you to fill out this form."

She handed me a pen and a small piece of paper with the Capitol's insignia on it. Since the rebellion, the Capitol had lost a large amount of power but their legacy surrounded the districts. Once the new republic had been formed, the first thing that they had allowed was free communication from the districts. For the first time, people were allowed to visit and send cargo to each other in different districts. I knew more people from different districts than anybody else but I felt no need to communicate with anyone of them. Talking to them only brought bad memories to the front of my mind.

I filled out the form and completed a message to Annie.

TO: Annie Odair, District 4

FROM: Katniss Everdeen, District 12

MESSAGE: Annie, I thought you might like to have these. Hope you and the baby are doing well.

It wasn't much of a letter. The words were emotionless but it was the best I could do, especially given the run-in with the merchant today. I looked at the paper before handing it to the woman.

"Here." I said while handing her the package too.

She smiled, took my things and looked at me one last time. Somehow she sensed my unease with being in town.

"It will be alright my dear. Don't worry about what they may do. This is your home.

The words spilled out like honey from a jar, so fluid and so warm, not an ounce of meanness behind them. She gave me small smile but her kind attitude could not erase the events of the morning. Still, they seemed to calm me in some way.

"Thank you." I said sadly.

I turned to go, this time I went slowly. I watched her hand the parcel of Annie's dresses to a peacekeeper, who in turn stowed it onto a compartment on the train. Watching the box disappear onto the train, I felt a twinge of sadness.

I would never again feel the soft silk of Cinna's creations wrap around me, their effortless beauty would never again graze my figure and I would never again touch Cinna's last gift to me.

I flexed my fists compulsively, watching the peacekeepers close the door and turn away from the train. The hum of the engine revved and I could see the train begin to move slowly away from the station. The wind from the engines picked up and my hair began blowing in my face.

"Goodbye Cinna." I whispered as I watched the train disappear from view.

As It crossed in front of me and whooshed away, I felt the tears I had harbored spring up into my eyes. The water stained paths across my cheeks and I felt myself breaking down. I sat near the tracks, not caring who was there to see me. I looked at the dirty ground, covering my head in my hands. I thought of Prim, Peeta, Gale, Cinna and the multitude of others I had hurt in this war between this war between the capitol and I.

I couldn't escape on a train to rid myself of these memories or this blame, I couldn't even use death as a means to my end; my soul would still be haunted. I was choking on my breath as I held my head up and stood up from the ground. That's when I caught sight of it.

Between my tears and quick rise from the ground, it looked like a small flash of yellow but once I had collected myself, I instantly registered it. Yes, on the other side of the train tracks between a couple piles of dirty ash and feathery grass, it called out to me.

A small but hopeful flower.

A dandelion.


	6. Dandelions and Daisies

The appearance of the fresh dandelion across the train tracks startled me back into a memory that I hadn't dwelled on in some time. I thought of the schoolyard, catching Peeta's stare and then the dandelion, which had motivated me to survive.

Looking back, I realized how that moment in time had solidified my life's path and braided Peeta's life and mine together. His bread had saved me, his hope had encouraged me and my own fire and stubbornness had kept us alive in the games. The dandelion was more than a symbol of hope; it was my personal reminder of where I had come from and where I needed to go.

Cautiously, I began to walk toward it. I bent down and plucked the yellow bloom from its place and held it in my hand. The tiny petals were sorted to look like a puffed sunburst. I rolled my thumb over the greasy blossom and watched it stain my fingertips with a light yellow dye. It had a pungent and dark odor, not fresh like lavender or lilac blossoms but still, the scent was attractive to me.

I held desperately to the hopeful bloom and started to walk towards home. I passed the town square, the crumbled justice building and the remnants of the merchant district. The small punch of hope the dandelion had given me, allowed me to look upon the scene with an observant and clear eye.

Based on past knowledge, I could make out where things used to stand. A wall of burnt lumber stood in place of a dress shop, broken glass and ash in front of what used-to-be a butchery and along the corner of the street, were the remnants of the Mellark bakery.

Hypnotized by curiosity, I approached the blackened structure. Even in its prime, the bakery hadn't been ideal. The white paint along the front was always chipped and the shutters upon the windows were somewhat crooked. But in a district where people were dying of starvation, these blemishes were not all that important. What truly drew people to the bread shop was the smell.

The aroma of fresh bread still hung heavy in my memory. It was a thick but warm smell that coated my lungs and startled my stomach with a longing for food. Now, the sweet smell that I had once known was replaced with a foul odor that was truly unbearable. The stench of death and charred wood choked me and was so thick, that it forced me to breath inside the neck of my jacket.

Three weeks ago, I would have panicked at the sight of this place but since Peeta's homecoming, my return to hunting and the dandelion's appearance this morning, I was left feeling empty. I wondered if Peeta had been here, if he had seen what was left of his former home. Blame and guilt pressed on my chest and I suddenly regretted inviting him to tonight's dinner. How could I possibly face him after what I had seen today?

Turning from the destruction, I decided it was time to head back home when another yellow-something caught my eye only this time, it moved.

It wasn't a dandelion.

It was a little girl.

To see a child in the new District 12 was unusual. Not very families had come back and with good reason. The damaged landscape was not very healthy for young children and the opportunities for work in other districts was more attractive than eeking out a living here in 12.

The young girl had her back turned towards me and her faded yellow dress was easily recognizable amid the black ruins. Her blonde hair hung in tangles all down her back and a crown of daisies sat daintily upon her head. I wasn't sure but I swore I could almost hear her singing.

I was enchanted by her presence and also a little confused. If this child had a family, why would they allow her in this part of town? It was too dangerous, falling timbers from broken buildings and hidden nails could easily cause her harm.

Motivated by my primal need to protect her, I started to walk across the dirt road. I did not want to startle her or bring her more harm so I approached her slowly.

"Excuse me," I said.

My good intentions were useless because she jumped and turned her frightened face towards me as soon as my voice hit the air.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said softly, "I didn't mean to frighten you."

She stared at me for a moment, looking me up and down to see if I posed a threat. Finally, she looked into my eyes with her own bright blue orbs and smiled timidly.

"That's alright," she squeaked, "What's your name?"

"Katniss." I whispered. "What's yours?"

"Lara." She replied.

"It is nice to meet you, Lara." I said and extended my hand for her to shake. She paused, still wondering if I was a danger to her. After a couple of seconds, she grasped my hand, shook it and then tugged her hand back towards her side shyly.

I paused and looked at her. She could not have been more than ten years old. She looked healthy, well fed and her skin had a natural and youthful shimmer. Her dress was worn and frayed at the edges. Her cheeks were sprinkled with patches of dirt and in her hands she held a large bouquet of freshly picked wild flowers. To anyone else, she would have looked like a common child, but to me, she was an angel.

"I saw you from across the street," I said sweetly, "It's a dangerous area of town and you could easily get hurt you know."

"I know but this is the only place where the fresh flowers grow. Look." She replied. She pointed behind her to a large patch of grass I hadn't noticed. The ground was covered in red, pink, yellow and purple blossoms that had sprung between the cracks of a fallen building.

"I do see," I said smiling. "Still, you could get hurt and your mother or father would be sad if you did."

"Oh no, Mama told me to come out here. I have to collect the chrysanthemums, daisies, lavender and primroses." She said, unaffected by my stern attitude.

I chuckled.

"You have a lot of knowledge about flowers for someone your age. You must be very smart." I said kindly.

She smiled at me before she turned back to the flower patch and kneeled down to pick more of the blossoms.

"Well, I need to be smart about flowers otherwise Mama wouldn't be able to bottle them." She said coolly.

"Bottle them?" I asked quizzically.

"Yeah, she uses the flowers from the meadow to create perfumes so people don't smell so bad." She said matter-of-factly.

I didn't understand her at first but then I had remembered what Greasy Sae had said to me that morning. Someone in town sold perfume or something close to it. I suddenly wondered why, in a poor and desolate place like District 12, would someone want to sell perfume?

I was just about to ask Lara when I realized what she had meant when she said, "so people don't smell so bad." The unbearable stench of dead bodies in the streets and the charred and smoky earth were forcing people to buy flowery water to ward off the odor. Perfume had once been a luxury but in post-war District 12, it had become a necessity.

I lowered my head and watched Lara continue to place flowers into her already large bouquet.

"I see. Does your mother have lots of different kinds?" I asked curiously.

"Oh yes, I can show you if you want." She said as she stood from her place and turned towards me.

"Yes please." I said.

"Well, follow me." She said. She jumped ahead of me and began skipping passed the damaged street.

I wondered how she could be so positive and unaffected by something so brutal. If she had lived here before she must have remembered this place as it used to be. I wished I could have been as innocent as she. She knew nothing of killing, torture, violence and conspiracy. The only thing that she seemed to cared about were the flowers that grew amid the destruction and I found myself wishing I were as sweet as she.

We reached a small shack that sat back on the outskirts of the merchant street. Lara walked quickly in front of me and opened the door. The room was dark with only a few small candles providing light. The air was damp with the aromas of wild flowers and herbs. I breathed in and out, catching whiffs of daffodils, lilies and lavender.

"Wait here." Lara said. She ran passed me and headed behind a long table and bent down, out of my sight. I could hear glass bottles clanging against one another as she grabbed them. Slowly, she stood from her place and set three small bottles on top of the table.

"We have these three right now." Lara said.

I stared at the clear containers. On the bottom of each bottle were large bouquets of flower petals and stems that gracefully floated in a mixture of what I assumed to be oil and water. I read the labels of each one:

Lavender, Daisies, Lilacs

I approached the table and looked at Lara. She opened each container and nodded at me to smell. I bent my nose into each one, taking in the sweet fragrance that each bottle had to offer. I looked to Lara again.

"Which one do you like the best?" I asked.

She looked at each one, trying to remember the scents.

"Ummm…I like the lavender one I think. Mama lets me wear this one sometimes." She said. She pointed to the bottle with the long stems of tiny purple petals. I nodded remembering that I liked that one as well. It was a light scent and had a calming quality to its aroma.

"Alright. I'll take a bottle of that one then please." I said while pulling out my coin purse.

"Okay" Lara said. She pushed the small vile towards me and took and counted my coins before pushing them underneath the table.

"Thank you" I said. I pushed the perfume into my inside jacket pocket. As I placed it there I felt something soft touch my fingers; it was the dandelion I had picked that morning. I smiled.

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Lara." I said and watched her pull the other two bottles beneath the table.

"You too." She said. This time she extended her hand, hoping I would shake it. I smiled and felt her tiny palm slip into mine. She smiled brightly at me and I felt sharp sting in my heart. Her sweet smile, innocence and gentleness all reminded me of Prim.

I looked down at her and pulled the dandelion from my pocket.

"Here. For you." I said. I handed her the yellow blossom. She looked at me with happy eyes before she pushed the flower into her hair, next to her crown of daisies.


	7. Sucker for Sweetness

The light of Lara's smile and childlike happiness had managed to melt the icy coating that guarded my heart. There was a deep and powerful delight that accumulated in my chest and flowed through my body. For the first time in months, I was alight with joy.

Propelled by Lara's presence, I walked home, eagerly anticipating Greasy Sae's dinner. It was darker now and the shades of evening fanned across the sky. The sun fell sleepily behind the tree line and the cold air was settling in once again.

From the entrance to the village, I could see the warm lights of Peeta's home and mine glow among the fading day. In all the days that I had lived here, I had never once felt it was home. But as I watched the chimney smoke rise above the rooftops, I felt a cozy stirring inside of my heart. It was a feeling that I associated with my father, Prim and occasionally Peeta.

I ran up my steps, brushed my shoes against the mat and opened the door. The house looked warmer than usual. The depressed fog that seemed to coat the rooms before was missing. I noticed that the floors had been cleaned, the furniture had been dusted and the fireplace had been refueled with three large logs. I set my coat on the coatrack when Greasy Sae turned the corner from the kitchen.

"Well, 'bout time you showed up." She said, almost frustrated. She looked tired. Her hair was falling out of her bandana and her forehead gleamed with a thick layer of sweat and kitchen steam. Her apron was dirtied with what I guessed to be dirt, food crumbs and soot from the fireplace.

"You know, I've been slaving away trying to clean up for tonight's dinner while you've been off doing who-knows-what and going who-knows-where." She yelled at me as I walked passed her and towards the kitchen. I rolled my eyes, whatever happiness I had felt earlier was now replace by my usual stubborn frustration.

"Well, I didn't ask you to clean up, Sae. It's just you, me and Peeta." I remarked nonchalantly. I waltzed over to the stove where a bubbling pot of soup sat. I took the lid off, found the ladling spoon and tasted the meal.

Sae's meals were always delicious but tonight her cooking was exemplary. The stew was hardy, warm and filled my head with memories of District 12 before the war, before the first reaping…even before my father's death. I could taste the familiarity, hear the songs my father sang to me and even feel the grip of his hand as we wandered through the forest those many years ago. I was becoming lost in a memory but Sae's harsh voice pulled me away.

"I know that but I thought you might want to clean up a bit, this place needed a bit of work. You get down to that perfume place today?" She asked. My head shot up and I turned towards her, I held a scowl on face that told her to back off. She returned my expression.

"Yes." I said coolly. I stared up at the ceiling, hoping that my answer was enough to satisfy her.

"Well, did you buy anything?" She ventured. She walked over to the stove, pushed me out of the way and began stirring the soup.

"I don't see why I should tell you. It's none of your damn business." I snapped.

"Aww come on Katniss. No need to be crass." She said laughingly. I was angry now. Her patient composure did not waiver as she chipped away at my own with her inquisitive questions. I was defenseless against her. She and Peeta both knew how to wear away at my gruff exterior and I hated them for it.

"Well, if you are that interested in my purchases. Here." I said while trying to keep my cool. I pulled the tiny vial of perfume from my pocket and placed it on the counter. Greasy Sae looked up from the soup and picked up the bottle. She held it in her hand and pulled off the cap to smell it.

"Hmph. Lavander." She said. She looked at me with a smug smile on her face.

"Yes. Why? Does that surprise you?" I asked. I was still trying to hold my ground but I was curious about her reaction.

"Hardly, you always were a sucker for sweet things." She said as she turned and looked at me with a cheeky grin on her face. I scowled. Her words might have directed at the perfume but I knew what she truly implied.

To the rest of Panem, I was an invulnerable, stone-faced symbol of revolution. But to my friends and family in District 12, I was still a young girl caught up in a war that wasn't my own. They knew that I was easily shattered with a few thoughts of Prim, a glance from Peeta and tender word. Sweet kindnesses were the tools used to dig away at my guarded sensibilities and expose my vulnerability.

I grabbed the perfume from Greasy Sae's hand, strutted out of the kitchen and ran upstairs to clean up for dinner. As I walked into my bedroom, I sat the perfume on my dresser and undressed before getting into the shower.

The feel of the warm droplets against my skin and the sound of the rushing water could not drown out Greasy Sae's last comment to me. Having a soft spot for Prim and Peeta caused me to lose them both to Snow. The only way I could protect them was to keep them both at an arms length and I couldn't even accomplish that. Now, it was different, Snow was gone but the number of faceless threats to me was incalculable. If I wanted to stay alive and prevent heartbreak, I would have to emotionally detach myself from everyone, especially Peeta.

After my shower, I opened my closet, looking at the empty space that had held Cinna's clothes only this morning. I sighed and pulled a light yellow dress from one of the hangers. I usually didn't wear dresses but subconsciously, I wanted to look nice for Peeta. In our latest encounters, I had looked disheveled and my hair was bedraggled in tangled knots. If I wanted to him to stay away from me, I had to show him that I was okay without him, healthy without him.

I put the dress on and pulled my damp hair into a braid that ran down my back. I looked at myself in the mirror. I could see the scars on my arms, the place where Johanna took my tracker out of my arm and my burns from the war. I wished I could scrub them away, hide them from view somehow but like the nightmarish memories, these blemishes would stick with me forever.

I caught sight of my bottle of lavender perfume on my vanity. I pulled off the cap and pushed the bottle against my wrist. It was wet at first but the thin layer of liquid dried against my skin. The light scent mixed with the fruity aroma of my shampoo and made me feel especially clean, maybe even pretty.

As I stared at my reflection, I heard a knock at the door…Peeta. My heart started to thump loudly against my chest but this time it was not from fear; it was in anticipation. I ran out into the hall and hid myself along the dark corridor. My hurried breath and Greasy Sae's clunky footsteps were the only sounds that filled the house. I heard her open the door and felt the sudden rush of damp spring air climb up the stairs.

"Hi Peeta! Long time no see." I heard Greasy Sae joke.

"Hello Sae. How are you this evening?" Peeta replied.

"Fine, just gettin' dinner to the table. I hope you like rabbit stew." She said.

"Love it." Peeta said happily.

"Well you can come to the kitchen with me if you want. Katniss! Where are you? Peeta's here!" Greasy called to me.

I pulled myself from place against the wall, took a deep breath and walked down the stairs. I caught Peeta's face as I entered the room. His bright blue eyes had lost the clouded looked and they twinkled in my home's lighted entrance. He was wearing some sort of suit; I suspected one of his old ones. He looked me up and down with the same loving approval that he used to when we participated in the games. His lips parted into a small smile and he took a step towards the stairs.

I couldn't help but feel butterflies in my stomach. The boy with the bread was standing before me. I thought of the doubts and frightening dreams I had beheld when I was in 13, how I had held his pearl and locket close to my chest when I fell asleep at night. But now that was all behind me, we had survived somehow. We were two very broken people, passed help, but we had stayed alive.

"Hi." I said softly.

"Hey," he said, "These are for you."

He revealed a small bouquet of wild flowers that was tied together with a brown rope. I took them from his shaky hands and held them in my own. I smiled and pulled the flowers to my face, breathing in their beauty. I looked back to Peeta who was still smiling, proud of his gesture.

"Thank you. They are very pretty." I said.

He nodded and smiled at me before revealing his other surprise that was hidden behind him.

"I also made some cheese buns, I thought we could have them with dinner." He said. He handed me a wrapped paper package tied with the same brown rope he had used for the flowers. Feelings of guilt and joy mixed in my stomach and pulled my heart low in my chest. No matter what I did to him, no matter what kind of torture he endured, Peeta would never stop giving me gifts.

I swallowed a hard sob that erupted from my lungs. "How can I stay away from this this broken boy? How can I possibly protect myself from his sweet charms? And more importantly how can I protect him from me?" I thought.

My inner turmoil was interrupted when I heard Greasy Sae enter our frigid conversation.

"Well that's mighty thoughtful of you. Thanks Peeta." She said. She took the bread and flowers from my hands and stared at each of us for a moment, noticing the tension that lived between us.

My eyes had not left Peeta's since first catching his glance. In between our stares, I could hear the apologies, the screams and terror that we had experienced. It was a silent conversation, a communication between two broken survivors. Our bond, forged in the fires of Peeta's bakery, strengthened by the games and weakened due to trauma was still alive between us.

"Do you want to sit down?" I whispered shakily, I tore my eyes away from his and motioned him towards the kitchen.

"Sure." He replied. He followed me through my living room and toward the kitchen.

I looked down at the kitchen table; Greasy Sae had done more than clean up. The Capitol silver, which had been hidden away in drawers, had come out completely polished. A beautiful arrangement of colored and ceramic dishes occupied each place and in the middle of the table, in a blue vase, were Peeta's wild flowers.

I looked back at Peeta and smiled shyly. He was blushing lightly around his ears, noticing the effort Greasy Sae had made for us. Always the gentleman, Peeta pulled out one of the chairs and motioned me to sit down. I sat slowly, watching his every move, I was still unsure if I should trust him.

He took the seat opposite from me and fidgeted with his suit, Peeta was nervous. I suddenly realized how strange the situation was. In our stormy past, Peeta and I had been passionate lovers, hated victors and only occasional friends. Most of our relationship had been spent fighting in arenas or smothering each other with kisses in the capitol and now to be in a place of domestic simplicity was uncommonly distressing.

"Did you have a good day?" He asked, trying to sooth the awkwardness.

"It was alright. How about you?" I said, barely getting the words out of my throat.

"Okay. I painted for most of it." He said. I looked up at him, remembering the pictures on the train, the nightmarish images he had outlined on canvas. He must have had bad nightmares last night.

"Oh." I said, wishing I could say more to comfort him but knowing nothing I said could quench his pain.

We sat there, staring at our empty bowls until Greasy Sae walked in carrying the large pot of rabbit stew. She poured the meat and broth into our bowls and gave us each a slice of Peeta's bread before sitting down herself.

"Well, here were are. The rabbit is from Katniss; the stew is from me, and the bread from Peeta. Mighty fine dinner if you ask me." She said happily.

We ate our stew in silence. None of us were really sure how to begin a simple conversation until Greasy Sae, frustrated from the quiet tension, decided to speak up.

"Katniss went to town today." She said. I gulped and glared at her. My trip into town was not something I really wanted to relive. Unfortunately, Peeta decided to continue the conversation and directed his attention toward me.

"That's nice. What did you do in town?" He asked politely.

"I sent a package." I said under my breath.

"To Annie, in 4." Greasy Sae finished for me. I gave her another glare.

"Oh? What did you send her?" Peeta asked.

I turned my attention back to him. For some reason, Peeta's kind-hearted nature was frustrating me. His polite tone felt patronizing and the more questions he asked, the angrier I became.

"I don't think that is any of your concern. I don't need to tell you." I snapped at him.

"Katniss." Greasy Sae scolded me.

"No, no it's okay Sae. Katniss is right, I shouldn't have asked." Peeta said sorrowfully. I looked up at him. He looked a little hurt by my behavior but he gave me a head nod in understanding.

We ate in silence after my flare-up; both Peeta and Greasy Sae had silently decided to leave me alone.

It wasn't until after dinner, that Greasy Sae felt the urge to converse again.

"Katniss also went to the perfume shop, didn't you?" She said. I sensed that this was her way of punishing me for my outburst earlier.

"Yes but only because of Lara. I paid her 8 coins for just a tiny vile of lavender oil. She is such a little worker, forcing me to buy perfume that is overpriced." I said. All my words had been lies and I felt guilty for saying them but if I wanted to keep Peeta and his hopeful soul away from my broken one, I would have to be as ruthless as possible.

I hoped my angry tone would stop the conversation right then and there and Peeta would leave to go home. Instead, I heard a light chuckle that was rich in warmth.

"I doubt that very much." Peeta said teasingly. He looked me, obviously sensing my lies. He could read me so easily and this infuriated me all the more.

"Why? Do you know her?" I said crassly.

"Yes I do. I helped build their house when she moved here." He said.

I stopped and caught my breath in my throat. Had I heard him right?

"Moved here? To 12?" I asked.

Peeta fell back in his chair, as if he was getting ready to tell a long and tragic story. He looked up at me and grimly nodded his head.

"Yeah, she lived in District 8 before the war. From what I know, her mother was an herbalist and her father worked in the lumberyards. During the rebellion, their home was obliterated and their businesses were wiped out. Lara's father died in one of the blasts and her mother was injured, blinded in both eyes." He said. I could see the tears forming in his eyes. His hands were shaking a little bit and I knew that repeating these words were hard for him. Naturally, they decided to move someplace else after the war."

He took a long breath and closed his eyes, completely shutting down. I couldn't tell what he was doing at first. His brow furrowed and he seemed to be concentrating on something in his own mind. He started to mumble something, a poem maybe, under his breath. The rhythm of it sounded familiar but I still couldn't place it.

I caught myself gripping to my chair. I was frightened, was he having a flashback? Was he becoming ill? What if he began attacking me? Greasy Sae was no match for his strength. I was about to leap out of my chair and run out the back door when he opened his eyes.

His blue eyes were calm and he looked composed, as if he hadn't paused from talking at all. He pulled at a cloth napkin and started wringing it in his hands, over and over, before beginning his story again.

"They are doing well, or so I am told. Still, I try to get some bread over there every other day. " He said.

In the span of two minutes, I had seen Peeta completely shut down and heard of Lara's tragic journey to District 12. I could barely hold a thought in my mind without hearing the bombings over and over and hearing Peeta scream in terror. Instead of sobbing or screaming myself, my mind seemed go into a state of shock. It wasn't until Greasy Sae squeezed my hand that I realized of my immobility.

"Peeta, I here you're gunna build up a bakery in town. Is that rumor true?" She said sweetly. I could see her trying to pacify the tension between Peeta and I as she held my hand and stared lovingly at him.

"I am still thinking about it," He started. "A lot of work would be involved, I would need lumber, a new oven, lots of supplies and a few assistants."

He was still wringing his napkin in his hands, trying to hold on to reality and I couldn't help but think of Finnick's rope knots while watching him.

"I think that would be nice." Greasy Sae said, "What do you think Katniss?"

I was still staring at Peeta's hands. They kept twisting the piece of cloth around and around in a circular motion until suddenly, they stopped. I could Peeta's hard gaze on me and I looked up at him. With all the courage I could muster, I breathed out the words my heart wanted to express.

"That would be wonderful," I said. "You are a good baker."

The mean and snappish remarks I had directed at him earlier seemed so far away now and I wished I could have taken them back. I wanted to ask him for forgiveness but his warm smile and loving eyes told me that I was already forgiven.

"Thank you Katniss." Peeta said calmly.

I nodded and felt my heart flutter a little bit.

After the exchange of kind glances, Greasy Sae grabbed our finished dishes and began to wash them in the kitchen, leaving Peeta and me to stare at one another.

Peeta's momentary shut down and Lara's story had ignited a curiosity in me and I wanted to ask more. Since Greasy Sae had begun the dishes, I decided to invite Peeta out onto the front porch with me.

We sat out in the dark for some time, just listening to the murmur of forest animals and watching the street lamps flicker on and off. Peeta sat on one of my steps while I hung back along the bannister.

"How's Haymitch?" I finally asked.

"He's fine. I have eaten with him a couple of times. Says he wants to start raising geese or something." Peeta said.

I looked down and chuckled. Haymitch trying to raise geese almost sounded like a bad joke. I tried to find something witty to say but my mouth fell dry.

"I talked to Dr. Aurelius today, he said he still hasn't heard from you." Peeta said, trying to change the subject.

The mention of my psychiatrist's name caused me to roll my eyes in frustration.

"Well, I don't plan on phoning him any time soon." I said gruffly.

Peeta nodded and laughed at my remark.

"Still as stubborn as ever, I see." He said.

I smiled and began to blush as red as a tomato.

"Is that a surprise?" I asked teasingly.

Peeta laughed.

"Not at all. Some things never do change." He said.

I nodded, I wanted to continue our repartee but there was a question that burned at my throat, something that I had wanted to ask Peeta since his return to 12, questions about Peeta's therapy.

"Was he good to you?" I asked.

"Who?" Peeta asked.

"Dr. Aurelius" I said.

"Yes, he helped me quite a lot." Peeta replied.

"What did he…I mean, how did he…" I said, stumbling over my own words.

"It's alright Katniss, I don't mind talking about it." Peeta said. He leaned back against the steps and sighed.

"After you left the Capitol, I was taken back to District 13. I had horrible episodes at first. But after a while, I started to calm down. I was able to tell what was real and what not with greater accuracy. I wanted to leave 13 but Dr. Aurlius insisted that I stay. We watched all the footage of you and me, talked about what it meant, what I felt, sometimes I painted them…the false memories; it wasn't easy. " Peeta said.

I nodded and swallowed a soft cry.

"At first, I was mad at you, still am in some ways but I realized that you were forced to make a lot decisions under duress. You kept me alive, tried to save me, even against my wishes. I can't possibly hate you for that." Peeta said.

He caught my eyes before continuing.

"Once I finished treatment, I was told I could leave. Dr. Aurelius told me I could move anywhere I wished but I finally decided to come back home." Peeta said. He stood from his place, signaling that he was finished. He looked down at me and smiled. I could tell that he had wanted to share this information with me for some time.

I nodded in understanding and stood from my place on the floor. Peeta began to hop down the steps, headed towards his house across the street when I felt myself wanting to ask another question of him.

"Peeta?" I asked.

"Yeah?" He said. He turned to face me. His hands were in his pockets and he looked relaxed, like he had the day I had seen him in his rocking chair.

I felt myself growing weak.

"Why did you come back? I mean, District 12 is just ash, smoke and filled with bad memories." I asked. A small tear was forcing itself out of my eye and I prayed Peeta would not see it.

He walked towards me and caught the look on my face before staring at the ground and kicking the dirt with his shoes. He seemed embarrassed and I realized he hadn't prepared an answer to this question.

"I don't know. During treatment, I thought about moving somewhere else occasionally. Dr. Aurelius thought it might be good for me to create a new life. For a while, we talked about moving me to District 4, near the ocean so I could paint but I told him I could never recover if I went there. What I needed was waiting for me in District 12." Peeta said.

He looked back up at me, this time there was no embarrassment only a look of determination, strength and an emotion I could not place. I felt myself unraveling before him. My knees were weak and my stomach began to churn with butterflies. This was it. I had to know, I just couldn't bear another day without knowing if my boy with the bread had returned, if the schoolboy crush was still being harbored deep inside his soul.

I took a deep breath; stared at him and asked a question I somehow already knew the answer to.

"What's here?" I asked weakly.

He sighed, stared at the ground again before smiling up at me and gazing into my eyes.

"You. I needed you."


	8. Weakened Friendships

The long and prickling effects of winter had finally ceased about a month after the night of Peeta's simple declaration. Spring's crazed and blooming personality had arrived like a warm and friendly houseguest. The darkened blades of grass and the lush of tree leaves had transformed my hallowed woods into a canopy of rebirth and I was in awe.

I had been hunting almost everyday but most of my working hours were spent admiring the forest's consistent beauty. This place had not felt the touch of fire and ash like I had but even if it did, the grass would still peek through the burned earth and the wounded trees would continue to bloom. Sitting in the shade of a hallow oak, I wished that the earth's ability to survive and prosper would somehow rub off on me. Yes, I had made it out alive, but my ability to pursue happiness was still absent from my mind.

While my recovery had reached a standstill, Peeta had blossomed. Since his first dinner with Greasy Sae and I, we had unofficially allowed him to eat with us almost every night. He would bring a hardy loaf of bread and good news from town while I would supply fresh game and an occasional smile. Sometimes, after we had finished our meal and Greasy Sae had returned home, I would allow him to sit with me on my porch. We would speak of hunting, baking and Haymitch's drinking but never anything about the games.

Their memory hovered above us like a dark cloud and neither one of us knew how to approach the subject. To see the monster mutts and Snow's bloody grin in my nightmares was hard enough but to speak of them would be truly insufferable. I knew Peeta wished to talk about the past as a manner of therapy but I was so close-minded to the idea, he had never even tried. I was satisfied with arrangement until I could sense the rift between us. As long as this conversation went unspoken, Peeta and I could never be true friends.

I thought on this while I packed up my gamebag and began walking home. How could Peeta, a tortured and broken boy, commit himself to care for a selfish and stubborn girl like me? I hadn't done anything to be spoiled with his gifts of bread and flowers. If anything, my chronic hysteria should have driven him away. Haymitch was right; I would never deserve him.

The smell of fresh eggs and warm toast turned me from my contemplations as I walked through the Victor's Village gate. My stomach began to growl in anticipation. As usual, Greasy Sae was waiting breakfast for me.

I walked to the kitchen in the back of the house and admired Greasy Sae's morning feast. There was a large basket of buttered bread, a jar of strawberry jam and a plate of fried eggs on the table. Even though starvation was no longer a threat to me, the blessings of a daily breakfast never went unnoticed.

"Smells delicious, Sae." I said, expressing my thankfulness.

"Thank you, wish we could get some more eggs though, not enough chickens left in town I reckon." Greasy Sae joked from the kitchen.

"Perhaps we can ask Haymitch to bring us some goose eggs since he has decided to raise them." I said while stuffing a thick slice of bread into my mouth.

"Ha, I'd like to see that. He'd have to get sober enough to fight them then grab the eggs. Geese would win every time." Greasy Sae chuckled.

I laughed. About two weeks ago, Haymitch announced his intention to raise geese. Peeta, Sae and I had just chuckled, thinking his declaration to be the product of a drunken dream. But when the Capitol train came with three young birds, we realized his attentions were sincere. We watched as an inebriated Haymitch tried to feed and wash them but he, and the geese for that matter, soon realized that they could do just fine on their own.

"Do you need more game for dinner tonight? I caught a rabbit and pheasant this morning but I can go back for more." I said as Sae sat down at the table.

"No thanks, the rabbit is enough, besides it's going to rain tonight." Greasy Sae replied.

I instinctively turned my head and looked out through the kitchen window. Not a cloud was in the sky and my trip to woods had indicated only sunshine and fair weather.

"How can you tell?" I asked curiously.

"My knee is feelin' some pressure and every time that happens, it starts to rain." She replied confidently.

I rolled my eyes in disbelief.

"Really Sae." I said.

"It's true! Just wait until you start having creaks in your old bones, then you'll see what I mean." She said tiredly.

I looked at her solemn expression and decided not to press her.

"Alright, so what am I supposed to do today if I can't hunt? Aren't you the one who told me to keep busy?" I asked as I finished my breakfast.

"There are plenty of things to do. You could go to town, help me with laundry or… you could visit Peeta." She said. She stared at me smugly as if she knew some secret about me.

I glowered at her. Besides being my sole care taker and cook, Greasy Sae had taken it upon herself to become my matchmaker too. She constantly remarked about how Peeta was helping in town and how his returning health had made him more attractive. But her quips did nothing to persuade me into a loving relationship. I had written that possibility months ago in the underground halls of District 13 and we hadn't done much to heal our friendship.

"I don't think I should. He hasn't asked me." I said nervously. It was true, Peeta saw me everyday at dinner but he hadn't once invited me over to his house. I wasn't offended but slightly disappointed. He had always been so open and inviting. Even after he had been tortured, he welcomed conversation well. But back here in 12, he remained distant and I suddenly wondered why.

"Doesn't have to. I bet that if you just showed up, he wouldn't mind one bit. That boy likes you." Greasy Sae said.

"If he wanted me to come over, he would have asked. Besides, I don't want to have this conversation right now." I said, frustrated. I picked up my breakfast dishes and sped towards the kitchen sink.

"Katniss, come on. Do you really think he would approach you after what happened to him, what he did to you in 13? He's scared and sorry. The least you can do is acknowledge him." Greasy Sae grumbled.

My hot red anger began to bubble as I stood in the kitchen. I put my dish in the sink and began scrubbing it ferociously, channeling my building fury into cleaning. I was irritated. Irritated with Greasy Sae's relentless matchmaking, my own confusion and Peeta's distant nature. It was a perfect storm of attitudes, and they were forcing me to feel vulnerable again. I couldn't allow that to happen.

"I do acknowledge him, he has dinner with us every night." I shouted back at her.

Even over my dish cleaning, I could hear Greasy Sae's awkward footfalls as she entered the kitchen and stood next to me.

"You don't even speak to him when he does. Seriously Katniss, he's your friend. It's time to start treating him like one." Greasy said softly. I could sense her efforts to persuade me and I came undone.

"Why can't you just mind your own business?" I screamed at her. I dropped my dish on the floor and it shattered into tiny pieces beneath my feet. Greasy Sae didn't seem to waver.

"And why can't you just move on. It's okay to be vulnerable Katniss. Opening up to someone is not a weakness." She shouted.

She knew.

She knew of the one fear that I had suppressed within me and hidden from the world. I could never be vulnerable to someone again. Those I had opened up to had died or had abandoned me. If I did, what would happen to Peeta? He would be taken from me, tortured again to punish me for loving him like they had before. The thought was unbearable and I felt myself begin to shake while thinking of it.

Greasy Sae looked at me, waiting for some sort of response but I did nothing. There were no words to express the anger and weakness within me. I turned from her intrusive eyes and ran upstairs before the salty streams of tears could fall down my face.

I locked my bedroom door, jumped into my bed and covered my face with a pillow. Desperately wanting to escape my memories, I began sobbing and instinctively reached out for the pair of warm arms that were not there.


	9. Trust and Conversations

Uncontrollable sobs escaped my body and dry tears ran down my cheeks like hot acid against my skin. I was wild. This was not a nightmare I could wake from. It was my own fragility, once hidden from view but now very apparent as I shook and shivered against my bed. The more I cried, the more powerless I felt. In desperation, I began smothering myself in my pillow, trying to block the tears from flowing but it was no use. My pent up stress and sadness had been released and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I howled and wailed like a wounded animal until I felt my body grow weary from exhaustion. My puffy eyes began to close and I was pulled into a sedating slumber. I don't know how long it lasted. The saddened sleep was deep and I only woke at the sound of my bedroom door opening.

"Katniss?" Greasy Sae's soft voice called to me.

My body was spent and that combined with my anger towards her, I decided not to move and kept my stinging eyes shut. I could hear her approach me and felt the bed sink in response to her presence.

"Are you awake honey?" She whispered.

I remained still even when she began rubbing my arm.

"I am sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have upset you like that. It was wrong and I would take it back if I could." She said.

Her voice paused and waited for me to respond but I remained in my fake slumber. I wanted to shut her out entirely but my attempts would not be satisfied as she began an apologetic speech.

"Katniss, I just want you to be happy. I don't necessarily want you to fall in love with Peeta but I know that if you let him in, if you let him help you, you would get better and so would he. I know you're scared and confused about him. You have every right to be. But you need to move forward, find someone else to talk to about what you are feeling. Someone you trust."

I breathed in her last few words to me and felt a new wave of tears flood my tired eyes.

She pushed a few strands of hair back from my face and gently patted my head before walking out of the bedroom. I heard the door shut and the room became silent again. But even in the stillness, her words replayed themselves in my head.

"Find someone to talk to. Someone you trust."

Someone I trust? Who would that be? I couldn't talk to Peeta, as he was the source of confusion and Haymitch was too intoxicated to be of any use to me. I only had one option left, a person I hadn't dared talk to since my return to 12. Dr. Aurelius, my Capitol psychiatrist.

In terms of people I trusted, he ranked somewhere below snakes but as a person who had no friends left to rely on, he was my only option. I crawled from my bed and went to the bathroom to wash my face, rubbing the dry tears out of my swollen eyes before I returning to my room.

I lied down and began to think of Peeta. If Dr. Aurelius had restored Peeta back to his old self, what kind of miracles could he perform on me? Would he be able to tell me what to do about my relationship with him? About my confusion? Maybe he could even cure my nightmares.

The thought of calling him disgusted me but the idea of having dreamless slumbers supplanted my distaste. I stood from my bed and opened my door quietly, not wanting any more interaction with Greasy Sae.

My quiet hunter's feet silently allowed me to step down the stairs and into my home's office. Once inside, I shut the door.

Unlike the rest of the house, which had come alive with activity, the room remained dark and cold. A layer of dust covered the bookshelf and the magnificent desk in the center of the room. Fear crept up my spine. I had stayed away from this room knowing that Snow's shadowy and evil presence hung over it. But to my surprise, the smell of roses and blood did not introduce themselves to me. Instead, the smell of ancient books and musty wood filled my lungs and I was relieved.

I walked towards the phone that sat on the superior desk and grabbed it from its place. Having only used a telephone once or twice before, I tried to reacquaint myself with the peculiar device. There was a large base that held a long and thick tube from which a circular head sat. On the side, was a cone shaped piece that hung from a thin wire.

I had forgotten which part was for listening and which part was for talking so I stood perplexed, trying to solve the mystery when I heard a shrill voice come from the cone shaped piece.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" I heard a woman ask.

"Hello?" I replied, taking the phone in my hand.

"Hello. This is the District 12 Operator. Do you want to place a call?" She asked matter-of-factly.

"Yes," I said nervously, "To Dr. Aurelius, a psychiatrist in the Capitol."

"Alright. One moment." She responded.

While waiting, I decided to sit down and felt the nerves bubble up. A day ago, I would have never considered Dr. Aurelius as a cure to my confusing relationship with Peeta. I had never liked him much, he had seemed so pretentious while in 13 and he always made me feel more like problem than a patient. Still, given my mental breakdown and the possibility of nightmare-free sleep, I was desperate.

"Hello?" Dr. Aurelius said.

"Dr. Aurelius? It's Katniss." I said.

"Katniss!" he exclaimed excitedly, "I thought I'd never hear your voice on the other end. How are you my dear?"

"I'm alright." I said. I could feel myself shutting down again and suddenly felt the urge to hang up the phone.

"Well that's fine. I am glad you are doing well. What have you been up to? Any hunting?" He asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"Yes, some. I started back up about five months ago." I said.

"Splendid, splendid. I bet you that makes for exceptional cuisine." He remarked.

His Capitol vocabulary was shining through and I rolled my eyes in disgust.

"I guess." I said snappishly.

There was a pause on the other end and even though he and I were miles apart, I could tell that he had been hurt by my attitude.

"Is everything alright Katniss? Peeta hasn't hurt you hasn't he?" He asked fearfully.

"Everything's fine and no, Peeta hasn't hurt me." I said.

"Well that's good. Don't want him to regress too much. He's been doing so well." He said.

"Yes, he has. That's actually why I called you." I said while trying to turn the conversation.

"Oh? Why is that?" He asked.

"Well, I have been…confused. Peeta has been so kind to me since he came back, like his old self but I can't help feeling like I should be afraid of him…even afraid for him in some way. It is preventing me from being friends with him." I said.

I was surprised by my sudden outburst of emotion. Having been closed up for so long, so desperate to hide myself from the world, talking to someone about my feelings was a completely foreign concept.

"And why is that?" He asked softly.

I paused, trying to come up with the right words.

"I just…I don't want…I can't lose him. They'll torture him again and he'll die." I said. The desperation and pain was evident in my voice.

"That's not going to happen again, Katniss. The war is over. Snow is gone." Dr. Aurelius said calmly.

"It doesn't feel like it." I said.

"Well, whether you accept that fact or not is your choice but you shouldn't let that prevent you from being with Peeta. Tell me, are you keeping him away from you because you think it will protect him and yourself?" He asked.

I was shocked, like Greasy Sae, he seemed to know exactly what was wrong with me and I had only spoken with him for two minutes.

"If he stays away from me, they won't be able use him against me." I confessed.

"Katniss, I promise that nothing is going to happen to Peeta or yourself. I know that is hard to understand but trust me, you are safe." He said sweetly, almost whispering.

"I don't feel safe. I never will again." I said while running one of my hands through my hair and clutching it to my head.

There was a pause and a deep sigh as if he was thinking deeply, trying to find new words to console me. But it wouldn't matter. Nothing he could say would rid me of that thought.

"Katniss," he started, "I want you to remember the times you felt the most safe. Where were you? Who were you with? Think."

I paused. I hadn't expected this question from him and my mind began to wonder. I had been afraid all my life and memories of safety were far and few between. But there were a couple of moments where the Capitol's control and fear did not affect me, moments of complete solitude and peace. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to enter the world where these memories existed.

"I don't remember really…one time, when I was little, my father…he sang me to sleep. And another…when Gale and I would go to the woods." I said.

"Is that all?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"No. There were others…with Peeta actually." I said while trying to remember.

"Yes?" He pressed, trying to get me to remember.

"On the Victory Tour after the 74th Games, I would have nightmares and stay with me. We would help each other through the dreams." I said.

I could almost feel the warmth of his skin pressed against me. The way he gently rubbed my back until I fell sleep. The soft murmur of his voice as he spoke soothing words into my ears. Yes, those nights on the train, so distant in my memory, were when I had felt safety.

"Well, I think that's it then." Dr. Aurelius said.

"What?" I asked.

"Katniss, if you want to truly feel safe and move on in life, you have to let people in, be with you when you feel weak. Your memories prove that." He said gently.

"I don't…I don't think I can." I said. Even though, Peeta had provided safety once, there was no way to ensure he would help me again.

"Yes, you can. I know it's hard but try taking it one step at a time. Talk with Peeta, maybe take a walk together and find something you can do as a team. I promise you will feel better and he will too." He said.

"I don't know-." I said while starting to express my doubt but Dr. Aurelius silenced me.

"Katniss…trust me." He said.


	10. Rain and Reality

By the time Dr. Aurelius and I had finished our conversation, the rain Greasy Sae had superstitiously predicted was falling hard against the house. I could see the warm drops of water as they painted my windows and began to puddle up in the street outside. It was a downpour but the roar of the deluge did little to deter me from my thoughts of Peeta.

Was Dr. Aurelius right? Could he make me feel safe again? Provide me with the sliver of hope I needed to live? The questions spun around and around in my head and I realized that the only way I could answer them was to talk to Peeta alone.

Propelled by Dr. Aurelius' advice, I jumped from my place in the office and ran down the hall to the coat closet. While grabbing a pair of wool socks and my hunting boots, I heard Greasy Sae's thunderous steps come in from the kitchen.

"Katniss? Is that you?" She asked before laying her eyes on me.

I looked at her like a frightened animal. For some reason, I didn't want her to know about my call to Dr. Aurelius and my need to see Peeta. She didn't need to feel as if she had won our morning argument on top of everything else. I stood there clutching my boots, as she looked me up and down, trying to determine what I was up to.

"You alright?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said calmly, trying to avoid her gaze. I sat down on the floor and began to pull on my shoes before I heard her speak again.

"Listen, Katniss. I'm sorry about earlier. I just couldn't…" She paused and I looked up to see her clutching her hand to her head.

Of the few people I knew here in 12, Greasy Sae had always cared for me, treated me as if I were her own flesh and blood. And when we returned together, she alone had kept me alive. She was the closet thing I had to family now and I felt a pang of guilt rise in my heart. Her only want was for me to be happy, to be healthy again and I had lashed out at her for it.

I stood up wordlessly and raised a comforting hand to her shoulder.

"I know. And I'm sorry too. I let my temper get the best of me," I said solemnly, trying to convey my regret. She nodded to me empathetically.

"…and I broke a dish." I said, smiling softly.

The pained look she held moments earlier disappeared. Her eyes rolls back in her head and a grin broke out over her face.

"Yeah, that was fun to clean up." She said sarcastically.

I smirked and patted her on the back, promising I would throw something shatterproof next time.

"You goin' someplace?" She asked as she watched me reach for my hunting jacket. I paused. Despite our apologies, I still felt unsure if I should tell her my plans but given the rain outside and her respectful tone, I obliged.

"I thought I might go over to Peeta's. See what he's up to." I said nonchalantly. Greasy Sae stood composed. My actions did nothing to affect her.

"Well you won't find him at home, I'm afraid. He went to town this mornin' and I don't think he has come back." She said.

"Well I'll just meet him in town then." I said. I stood up and began to pull on my jacket.

"You're going to walk to town? In this weather?" Greasy Sae asked. The bombarding rain tumbled outside but I was not to be deterred.

"It's not like I haven't walked through the rain before Sae." I said stubbornly. I zipped up the front of my coat and walked towards the front door, Sae trailing behind me.

"I know but I just got a bad feelin' about this one." She said.

I rolled my eyes.

"You and your superstitions." I said and opened the front door. I was just about to run out when Sae caught my hand. Fear was playing across her face and I could tell that she was absolutely serious.

"Katniss, just stay here. Peeta will be back soon anyway." She said softly.

"You don't know that. Besides, I have to see him today." I said, determined to leave the house.

She paused, trying to think up an argument but eventually she let go of my hand.

"Well, if you must. Just be careful, okay?" She said quietly.

I touched her cheek affectionately and smiled at her.

"I always am." I said before running out into the heavy storm.

* * *

Greasy Sae was right. The storm was a bad one. Trees moved violently in the wind and dangerously heavy waterfalls began to form along the hillsides. The rain was so heavy that I could barely see where I was going. It didn't matter though. The path from the Victor's Village to town was a journey that I knew well.

Heavy droplets of spring rain slapped at my face and soaked me to the bone but I kept walking, desperate to see Peeta. My feet sloshed around in puddles and I could feel my boots and socks becoming caked with mud and coal dust. I was growing tired and the heaviness in my body started to pull doubts from my mind.

"Maybe I should turn back," I thought. "Peeta will be home soon anyway."

Standing in the rain, halfway between the village and town, I mulled over my options when I heard it, the pained and familiar shrieks that tormented me in my sleep. As the screams grew louder against the pouring rain, only one name could come to my mind.

Prim.

I held my breath in my throat. Was this real? It couldn't be. Prim was dead, lost in the fire bombings in the Capitol. Yes, I was hallucinating. It's not real, I told myself. Not real, like the jabberjays in the Quell. It was just the rain.

But the childlike screams continued, louder and louder until their raw quality pulled me from my turmoil. This was real. I jerked my head and followed the sound, trying to find the source of their agony.

"Where are you!?" I screamed, running in sloppy circles in the rain.

Desperate, I cried out the only thing I knew.

"Prim! Where are you!?" I shrieked.

The weighted mud against my boots caused me to fall hard against the ground. While the rough and heavy screams of a young girl continued, I desperately tried to fight off Prim's ghost in my head. It was then, lying weak against the soaked grass, that I caught sight of something. A shade of purple amongst the green earth. A wildflower.

Suddenly, a thought blitzed through my mind like a bolt of lightening. It was real. The screams did not belong to Prim.

They belonged to Lara.

"Lara!" I screamed. I shot up from my place on the ground and began running around in despair.

Where was she?

I knew I was getting closer to her when the yells from her body became louder against the pounding storm. But something else sounded in my ears, a powerful and roaring rush of water unlike the rain. What was that?

I tried to place the sound but came up with nothing until I remembered the waterfalls of mud I had seen earlier. Ferocious rivers of muddy water tore through the tree line and spattered across the ground. The image of their destructive nature caused a memory to surface in my mind.

Before my father's death, there was a storm like this. The rain caused the clay rock to slide down the mountainsides, creating a destructive and violent river. It had forced its way to District 12's valley and my father had gone to help rescue those who had been caught in its path. He had called it a mudslide and I knew that if Lara had been caught in one, it would be a miracle if she made it out alive.

I followed the two sounds, Lara's screams and the powerful surge of water until I saw her, trapped in the middle of the mudslide.

Her blonde hair was muddied with debris and twigs and her form was barely recognizable against the rain. I looked more closely. The girl with the wildflowers was gripping a dead tree trunk that had fallen on its side. She was staying strong.

Thinking quickly, I ran down to the surge and called her name.

"Lara!" I shouted.

With all of her strength she turned her head and recognized me against the bank.

"Miss Katniss! Help me!" She shrieked.

"Just hold on okay?" I screamed back at her.

I turned back towards the forest, trying to find something to help her. I needed a rope or something strong to pull her out. Searching along the ground, I came to a large tree trunk that was covered in thick and sturdy vines.

Without a knife to cut them, I bit my teeth into their stems and ripped them from their place. Gathering as many as I could carry, I ran back to the river. Lara's screams were quiet now and I began to worry until I saw her, still clinging tightly to the fallen tree. The mud was thicker and had slowed down some making the act of pulling her to safety even harder.

I tied the vines as quickly and as strongly as I could muster before heading back down to the bank where Lara was trapped. Her eyes caught the makeshift rope I held in my hand and I tried to yell out to her.

"Lara! I need you to listen to me!" I shouted against the rain and river.

"I am going to throw the end of this to you. You need to tie it around your waist and then crawl along the tree until you get to the end. Alright?" I instructed.

I could see her nod in response. Without hesitation, I tied my end of the vine to a tree, double-knotting it against the trunk. I turned my attention back to Lara. Trusting the accuracy of my shooting arm, I tossed her the vine.

She grabbed it with one hand and somehow managed to bind it around her. I held tightly to the vine, worried that my knots would snap and Lara would be lost. But somehow, she made it to the edge of the tree trunk and looked to me for further instructions.

"You did perfectly Lara!" I shouted while trying to keep her calm.

"Now, I need you to climb on top of the trunk and jump to the ground. I'll catch you, okay?" I said.

The edge of the tree trunk was about two and a half feet away from where I stood with the other end of the vine. Lara looked at me in disbelief.

"I can't! I'll fall!" She shouted. Even with the rain and mud, I could see the tears clouding in her eyes.

"No you won't! I promise! Please…just trust me!" I yelled. I was desperate to get her across and my heart was pounding wildly against my chest. I couldn't lose her. She was too much like Prim. To see her fall and disappear into the muddy water would kill me.

Lara looked at me one last time, trying to decide what to do. Her eyes held the same fear I saw in the animals of the forest but there was something else too, a gleam of determination. Without another word, she pulled herself up against the log, balancing her tiny body before standing up completely.

The girl with the wildflowers looked at the muddy and destructive river below her. There was nothing I could do to help her now. This was her decision.

Lara took in a breath and bent her knees in preparation for her jump. Through the rain, I saw her leap into the air and over the pounding river. I clenched my body and felt the crash of her body against mine.

She was safe.

My arms ran around her shivering and soaked form. Tears of joy fell from my face and I ran my hands through her muddied hair. I tried to look for any critical injuries but the mud caked against her skin prevented me from looking any further.

"It's okay. You're okay." I cried, hoping she could hear me.

I turned her over to look at her face but when I did, I saw Prim.

Prim? No.

It couldn't be. It was Lara but the face was Prim's. The haunting eyes stared lifelessly into the distance and the tiny braids she always wore were sputtered with blood. I was hallucinating. My stress and memories converged to battle against reality.

I pulled away from the girl's form unsure which reality I should trust. Is this the way Peeta felt when he had an episode?

My limbs began shake and I couldn't stop my fingers from trembling. I clawed myself, trying to scratch my way to reality but it was no use. Breathing became a struggle and the air from my lungs felt tight against my chest. I choked and spattered, suffocating from shock. My body fell to the ground next to the form beside me.

Not real.

Real.

What could I believe? They were Prim's eyes. Not Lara's.

The rain pounded against me and the screams of young girls flooded my ears. Sure that I was dying, I laid my head against the earth and felt tiny raindrops hit the back of my open mouth.

"Miss Katniss!" Someone screamed. I couldn't tell.

"Help." I weakly gasped. But it was no use, I could feel the pull of the earth shift and suffocation overtake my body.

As I felt the darkness close in and my vision blur, a large gray mass fell over me. Something warm brushed my cheek like a ray of golden sunshine. Then, as I finally succumbed to unconsciousness, the sound of a word echoed against my ear.

"Always."


	11. Friends Again

When I wake up, I am immediately aware of the pounding in my head. A sharp ache that sits right behind my eye and causes my vision to blur. I am not dead, I think. If I were, the pain from my headache would not exist at all. Somehow this thought exhausts me. I have tricked death again, survived when I shouldn't have. How? I do not know.

My soaked and muddied clothes that I passed out in have been removed. Replaced by what I determine to be a baggy and soft shirt. Hair from my braid sprawls out beneath me. The curly locks are still damp but smell of fruity shampoo.

I open my eyes slowly and can make out the dark shadows against the walls. They possess a sinister quality similar to the monsters of my nightmares. A pair of crooked fingers seems to reach out for me, trying to strangle my trapped and broken body. I scream out in fright but no voice comes. The heavy weight against my lungs makes it difficult to breathe much less scream.

Desperate to evade the threatening shadows, I close my swollen eyes again and turn my head against something soft. A pillow I think. My hands try to move against my legs but I realize that I am pinned beneath a cocoon of blankets and towels. Where am I?

The last time I was awake, I was lying against the bank of a dangerous mudslide, trying to determine if it was Lara or Prim that I held in my arms. I must have gone into a state of panic, I think. I couldn't breathe and was suffocating from shock. The pain that now sits low in my chest proves it.

Still, that doesn't answer how I got here, into a house with a warm bed. Just as the confusion begins to surface, my eyesight adjusts itself and I take in the familiarity of the room. My room.

Even in the night, I recognize the arrangement of the Capitol-issued furniture. The white vanity table with Lara's perfume sits in the corner and my nightstand, where I keep Peeta's locket, is right beside me.

A small tear pools at the side of my eye. This room I call home is more familiar to me at night than in the day. How many hours have I spent lying awake against this bed, trying to delay the inevitable rounds of nightmares? Of Prim's mutilated and burned body, of Rue's haunting eyes as she succumbs to death. Even now as exhausted as I am, I tremble.

The familiar sobs choke against my throat and harsh tears in my eyes begin to collect themselves. But before I can begin my break down, I become momentarily distracted by the sound of a light rain. It is unlike the dangerous deluge I had been caught in earlier. Drops of water tap gently against the window like a chorus of tiny birds. I turn my face towards the pitter-patter and am greeted with the scent of damp pine trees. A cool night breeze glides against me and relaxes my breath. Someone has opened my window.

But who could that be? Did Lara drag my stiff and shocked body back to the Victor's Village? No, I answer to myself. Her childish frame could never support my body, let alone carry me back to my own bed. Greasy Sae could have but that is just as doubtful. Peeta is in town and probably still is, thanks to the rain. That leaves only Haymitch and I roll my eyes in disgust. No, he wouldn't have saved my either. He is far too drunk for such heroism.

I am mentally preparing a list of possible rescuers when heavy footfalls begin thumping loudly against the stairs. They do not belong to Greasy Sae's small feet but to someone, a man probably, with thick boots.

Instinctively, I jump at the noise and begin reaching for anything to protect myself with. The footsteps grow louder and my heart beats faster. Is it a peacekeeper? A Capitol sympathizer who has come to kill me? I start to believe the worst. I am weaponless and even if I did have something, my pounding headache would prevent me from making a run for it.

Without my bow and arrows to protect me, I decide the best thing to do is play dead, like the opossums I see in the woods. I close my eyes and fall back against my damp pillow, silently praying that the owner of those footfalls is not a threat to me.

When my bedroom door opens, there is a pause. The heavy booted sounds fall silent but are replaced by clumsy and bumbling footsteps. I smirk under my breath. Whoever has entered my room, has the agility of an elephant. My eyes squint and I try to make out the face of the stranger. But before I have the chance, my nose catches the aroma of something familiar. Something I tend to associate with rain, stolen kisses and capitol people. Lamb stew.

It has to be. I would know that scent anywhere. My heart palpitates against my chest and I open my eyes fully to see for myself. Sitting in a rocking chair, with eyes closed is Peeta.

I quickly take in his appearance. The familiar blonde curls are damp with dirt and dark circles puff out underneath his eyes. His large hands are clasped together but even so, I see that dirt has collected underneath his fingernails. He looks exhausted but peaceful. It is then that I realize, he must have been the one that found me today.

I am filled with a warm and cozy feeling. He came looking for me. But how did he know where I was? How did he find me so far up in the hills with Lara? Confused and somewhat elated, I start to cough, hoping that the sound will startle him from his relaxed state.

It does and his deep blue eyes appear, looking down at my face. A small grin forms against his lips and I am suddenly overjoyed.

"Hey." I say, more hoarsely than I wish.

"Hey Katniss," he says. "You feelin' alright?"

I remember my headache, the heaviness in my eyes as well as my sore lungs. No I don't, I think to myself. Peeta is genuinely concerned but I can't bring myself to tell him.

"Fine." I say confidently. I don't mean to lie but I know worrying him will only make things worse.

"Here," He says, "Drink this."

He hands me the bowl the lamb stew from my nightstand and I take it eagerly, wanting to rid my voice of the embarrassing hoarseness. The hardy meal startles me as it runs down my throat and sends warmth through my body. I gulp down the full bowl before returning it to Peeta's awaiting hands.

"You must have been hungry." He says wryly and chuckles.

I slump back against my pillow and pull my hands to my head.

"What happened to me?" I ask.

"Well, you passed out or something. I got there just as you were going under." He whispers. I suspect that the calm tone of his voice is meant to keep me from getting excited but it doesn't work. As soon as he finishes, a string of questions fly out of my mouth.

"How did you know where I was? Did you bring me here? Where is Lara? Is she okay? I want to see her!" I cry out. My panicked tone surprises me as well as Peeta who has since grabbed one of my hands and rubs it in his own.

"Easy," he cautions me, "just stay calm alright? I'll tell everything you want to know if you just relax. Okay?"

Peeta's somewhat commanding tone surprises me. He usually isn't this insistent and somehow this irks me. I just saved a child's life, he shouldn't be telling me what to do. Then again, he did save mine and has since brought me home to rest.

I sigh under the pressure of his gentle hands and turn to face him. He smiles sweetly in an attempt to melt the cold walls I have formed around me.

"Fine." I snap.

"Okay." he replies softly.

He releases my hand and reassumes his position in the rocking chair next to my bed. His hands meet each other and he lets out a casual sigh, as if beginning to tell me a long story.

"I was working in town, drawing plans for the new bakery when Thom ran over from the Justice Building. Said Greasy Sae phoned and wanted to talk to me. I followed him back and got hold of Sae, she said you had left home and wanted to see me about something." He looks at me quizzically, as if trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about.

I nod but decide to ignore his puzzled look. The conversation I need to have with him will have to wait for another day, preferably a sunny one.

Peeta seems to recognize my desire to stray away from the subject so he continues on with his speech.

"Anyway, the rain was heavy and you hadn't made it to town yet so Thom and I went looking for you. It was dark, hard to see because of the wind and rain. We kept calling for you but you didn't answer, that's when I heard the scream." He suddenly stops and looks lost. I wonder if he is having an episode but his eyes stay clear, a good indicator that he is still in reality.

"Lara. It was Lara you heard." I say civilly, trying to coax him back to me.

"Yeah, I didn't know that at the time though, I thought it was you." He says. There is a solemn look on his face that hints at the presence of another feeling, something much more agonizing. That's when I realize that Peeta, the tortured man I have purposefully ignored and pushed away, still truly loves me.

I don't know whether to cry of sorrow or scream with joy. The boy with the bread has returned, as persistent as ever. He knows I cannot offer him any love but at least he is himself again. I shrug the thought away, knowing it will only confuse me and nod, hoping he will continue.

"Thom and I, we followed the sound of her until we saw you leaning over her on the side of mudslide. You weren't breathing and fell unconscious when we got over to you. After that, I carried you home and Thom took Lara to her mother in town." He says.

"Lara, is she okay?" I ask, scared of the answer. My breath hitches and I feel like I am going to vomit but Peeta's hand finds mine again and pulls me back to look at him.

"Yeah, she is fine Katniss. No broken bones or injuries as far as I know. She was more scared than anything else. It's you we are worried about. Greasy Sae said you must have gone into shock." He says.

"Yeah." I sigh. I close my eyes and lie back down trying to focus on the sound of the rain.

"Are you okay?" Peeta asks. I look over at him. The concern he wore earlier appears on his face and his blue eyes meet mine for a couple of moments.

"I don't know exactly," I say. Physically, I am fine except for my body's soreness but mentally I am lost, in a daze of confusion and fright, all because of Peeta.

What is it like for him? To flicker in and out of reality without notice? He hides his pain so well. I want help him somehow, through his flashbacks. But how could I, the subject of his disillusions, offer him any comfort? As my mind wanders, a question I have harbored since I passed out, surfaces. I have to ask him, even though it might hurt him.

"Peeta, can I ask you something?" I ask innocently.

"Anything Katniss." He replies.

A breath catches in my lungs. This will not be an easy conversation and I'll have to choose the right words carefully. I search my mind for a delicate way to phrase my question but nothing comes. Frustrated, I begin anyway.

"When you…when you get flashbacks, from the hijacking, what is it like? I ask. A blush appears on my face, not from flattery but from embarrassment and shame.

I immediately want to retract my question when I see the look on his face. He was expecting this. His eyes glass over and I can tell he is trying to form an answer without wounding himself. He sighs and rolls forward, towards my face.

"Well, they come on very suddenly. Sometimes, the reality mixes with the memories that are not real and it makes it difficult to determine what to believe." Peeta says honestly.

He looks like a punished schoolboy and I realize that he is ashamed. Ashamed of having thought of me as a threat, a murderer and a mutt. It isn't his fault though and no matter how many times I tell him this, he will still feel that he is to blame. That he is the one who should be apologizing.

I cannot gather a graceful response so I simply sigh and nod my head. Saturating silence falls between us and I worry that I offended him somehow. I am just about to apologize when he begins again.

"I don't like to think on them too much." He says, "Why did you ask anyway?"

I pause. Unsure of how to begin, I need to tell him though. Tell him of the shock and panic that ran through my spine when I turned Lara over and saw Prim's eyes.

"I think I experienced something like one. After I pulled Lara out, I turned her over and I saw…Prim. Her eyes. It was Lara's body and face but the eyes belonged to Prim. I didn't know what was happening, what was real. That's why I couldn't breathe, why I passed out." I confess, suddenly feeling embarrassed and vulnerable.

Peeta seems to sense my shame and he squeezes my hand in understanding.

"It wasn't real Katniss. Everything is okay now. Lara is safe. You are safe." He says gently, almost like a lullaby.

Tears burn in my eyes and I begin to feel sick again. My body shivers from his touch and from the fright of the memory. I don't care about being vulnerable now and let the sobs escape my throat freely.

"I know," I say, "It's just…Prim."

My breathing is uncontrollable. My nose begins to run and salty streams burn across my face. I can imagine what I look like but I don't care. The stress of saving Lara, the mudslide, the panic attack and the memory of Prim force me to break down.

"Shh, I know but it wasn't her. You're okay." Peeta says. He is still gripping my hand and takes his other to push fallen hair back behind my ear. The act is soothing and reminds of the nights on the train, so long ago but forever in my memory.

After a few minutes of heaving sobs and harsh breathing, I slump against the bed. Peeta continues to hold my hand and brush my hair away from my face and I am grateful for his touch. Human closeness has never been readily available or easy for me. But now that I am without family, I appreciate it all the more.

He smiles down at me and watches my eyes for any sign of distress. This continues for a while until Peeta leans down and whispers in my ear.

"Why don't you get some rest?" Peeta asks.

"I can't." I say, the hoarseness returning.

"Why not?" Peeta whispers disappointingly. It seems that he is desperate for me to sleep.

"The nightmares." I say. This is true. After today's events, my nightly reminders of the games and the rebellion will be exceptionally horrible. What terrifying visions will play tonight? I shudder at the thought and just continue to squeeze Peeta's hand and listen to the rain.

Peeta sighs, knowing that this is a losing battle.

"Can't we just stay awake for awhile?" I suggest. I give my most pitiful and pleading look at him, hoping that it will persuade him to stay.

"Sure. If you would like." He says. His hands leave me and he falls back against his rocking chair.

I stare at him for a while and listen to his chair creak, as it rocks back and forth against the floor. We seem so old. Like a married couple at the end of their lives, peacefully awaiting death. The games have aged us. I know will never feel as innocent and loving as I did before and the thought saddens me.

I allow myself to question a future that might have been. What would have happened if Prim had never been reaped? Would District 12 still be here? Would I have married? No, I know that for sure. I never wanted to and still don't want to. No person could ever deserve the pain and suffering I would bring.

"Katniss?" Peeta asks. His voice wakes me from my thoughts and I turn my head to him.

"Yeah?" I ask.

He slows his rocking and seems to be questioning whether or not to ask me something. I keep my eyes on him, waiting for him to speak up.

"When Greasy Sae called me, she said you had something to tell me." Peeta says.

Oh no, he brought that up again. I cannot blame him though, I would be just as curious if he braved a thunderstorm and mudslides to say something to me. My eyes try to avoid him but I can't escape this conversation any longer.

"I did." I say.

He pulls his rocking chair to a stop and ventures a bit further.

"What was it?" Peeta asks.

There is fear laced in his brow and I can tell that he is just as nervous as I. Remembering Dr. Aurilieus' advice, I gather some bravery and decide to begin my speech.

"Well, I…I wanted to apologize, for the way I have been treating you. It hasn't been fair." I say.

Peeta looks puzzled by my apology so I continue.

"I have been ignoring you Peeta, trying to keep you away because…because I'm afraid." I confess.

He lowers his head and stares at his boots. I think maybe, he is going to cry but instead, he raises his sad eyes to me.

"Oh. Are…are you afraid of me?" He asks sadly.

I am shocked.

"What? No! Not at all. It's just…I don't want to lose you again. They tortured you because of me, because I cared about you." I say, trying to explain my complicated feelings.

He sighs in relief and begins to stroke my hair again.

"Katniss, it's alright. I understand but you have to believe that none of that is going to happen again. The war is over, Snow is dead and you and I are safe." He says.

I try to believe him but his words refuse to comfort me.

"You can't be sure of that." I say.

"I am not. But we have to move forward, it's the only way we will ever recover." He replies, he takes my hand and looks me straight in the eye.

"How?" I ask desperately.

I can feel another wave of sobs collecting in my core but I try to suppress them as Peeta begins to speak again.

"Well, perhaps…we could be friends again. Officially." He says. I know that it is a suggestion but it sounds like a question, as if he is asking my permission.

His eyes capture mine and for the first time in a long while, he and I feel like the only two people in the world. Nothing exists outside of this moment. We are two broken people, trying desperately to salvage whatever relationship still exists between us. He is waiting for my answer and I think about all of the good that Peeta has done for me since his return. Of the primroses along the side of my house, the bread at dinner and bringing me home in the rain.

I sigh and realize that I am much better off with him than without him. His presence brings me a calmness and security that I cannot create for myself.

"I think I'd like that." I say slowly.

His eyes light up and a grin explodes across his face.

"So would I." He says.

I blush and let my head fall, trying to hide my embarrassment before I look up again.

"Should we shake on it?" I ask laughingly.

He chuckles and nods. We grasp hands and give a firm tug, like the way we did when we were reaped so long ago. This time however, the grip is strong and healthy. It is the seal between two people who are bound together in time. We are, as we have always been, a team. I know that he will help me now and I will help him. Not as false lovers trying to survive the political entanglements of the Capitol but as friends, trying to find purpose in our domestic pursuits in District 12.

I lie down against my bed and he begins to stand up, preparing to leave I think. I catch his hand and say his name.

"Peeta?" I say.

He turns towards me and looks me over.

"You can stay if you want." I say cooly. It is not out of desperation but out of thanks, for being there for me despite my indifference towards him. He nods and climbs back in his chair. We stare at one another for a while, thinking of all that we have been through to get to this moment. Friends, I think. It is nice to have one again.


	12. The Innocent and The Survivor

Having stayed up half the night with Peeta, I manage to sleep until harsh, afternoon light streams in through my open window. It is blinding, but my headache does not reappear and the soreness that coursed through my muscles before, has dissipated. I turn over in bed, stretching away the remnants of my deep and peaceful slumber.

No nightmares, I think. No dreams at all. I replay last night's images in my head. Of Peeta, the rain, my apology, and our agreement to be friends again. Not much will change between us, he will still come over dinner and sit with me afterwards but at least now we have an understanding.

My eyes travel over to the side of my bed and immediately recognize his absence. The rocker he borrowed and the empty bowl of lamb stew have been removed as well. He must have slipped out early this morning, probably to begin baking more bread for Sae and I.

Peeta, I realize, is uncommonly predictable. If he isn't rescuing me from a storm or sitting by my bedside, he is in his kitchen. Kneading my daily breakfast into shape. I grumble silently. Every loaf he provides us, reminds me that nothing I will ever do will equal his contribution to my survival.

The thought makes me sick, in the same way that eating too many of Peeta's cookies does and this only adds to my misery. He may think of me as his friend, but I know I am nothing more a charity case.

Sounds of careful footsteps against the stairs turn me away from my thoughts and before I even have the chance to sit up, Greasy Sae is standing before me.

"Well look at you. Finally awake I see." She says happily.

"I'm afraid so." I say jokingly. She comes over to my bedside and pats her hand against my matted hair.

"How's the head?" She asks.

"Fine. I feel much better today." I say.

"I figured. Nothing that a good sleep won't cure." She says.

She's right. It's the first good sleep I have had in months. Perhaps Peeta had something to do with it. I think of the way he stroked my hand. His calloused fingers tracing lazy patterns across my palm, so gentle and so kind. I blush at the memory and try to change the subject before Sae notices.

"I guess. Where were you last night anyway? Peeta had to sit up with me." I ask while walking over to the sink to wash my face.

"I went back to town, my granddaughter was by herself. Didn't leave until after washing you up though. My goodness, you were a sight!" She cackles.

"I'll bet I was." I say underneath the water.

"Yep. There was more mud on you than there was skin. Had to practically strip off your clothes." She says.

My soapy hands stop rubbing my face and I feel my heart drop beneath my stomach. Being naked in front of Sae is not something new. Immediately after I returned from the Capitol, she practically carried me to my bathtub everyday. But it's not Sae I'm concerned about. It's Peeta.

With suds still dripping from my eyes, I turn to face her. My cheeks are as red as tomatoes and I can feel myself growing hot with embarrassment.

"You didn't…you didn't wash me in front of Peeta, did you?" I ask angrily.

She stares at me for a moment, shocked by my accusing tone. I am a little shocked myself. Why should I care if Peeta saw me unclothed? He's been through two games and a war with the worst of me. I shouldn't mind at all. But I do.

"Of course not. Why would I? The boy has been through enough trauma, didn't want to scare him off." Says Sae laughingly.

"Oh shut up." I say in mock offense and turn my wet face back under the sink.

"Now don't be sassin' off to me when I was the one that saved Lara and your lives. Wouldn't even be here if I hadn't phoned Peeta." She says.

It's true. Without Sae, I would be dead. Still, something about her decision to call Peeta frustrates me. It is as though she is slowly giving up her role as my caretaker. Transferring all of the responsibilities to Peeta. And if there is anything I don't want, it is to become even more of a burden to him.

Deciding not to thank her, I walk towards my vanity and begin braiding my hair.

"I had it handled." I say coolly.

"Just don't go scarin' me like that again, alright?" She asks softly.

Her eyes shoot daggers at me. Diffusing my irrational frustration towards her with just one look.

"Alright." I sigh.

"Good. Now get dressed. We have a guest for lunch." She says smiling.

I shoot a puzzled look at her. A guest? Surely she means Peeta. He never stops by for lunch, as he is often in town. But I suppose after last night's conversation, he feels need to make an appearance.

Finding a pair of green pants and a black shirt, I dress myself. The clothes feel tight against me. Days of bread and stew have brought back my healthy curves. Surprised, I stand in front of the mirror and admire myself. My eyes are still swollen from tears but besides that I look quite well. The sickly and suicidal girl that looked back at me five months ago has disappeared. Replaced by a radiant huntress I do not recognize.

Happy with my reflection, I pinch some blush back into my cheeks before heading downstairs.

I am just about to turn the corner to the kitchen when I hear a sound my house has never known. A giggle. The pure sound rings of a child's laughter. Bouncing off my cobwebbed walls and straight into my heart.

My feet speed towards the kitchen table and I am happily surprised at the sight before me. The afternoon guest Greasy Sae referred to is Lara.

"Lara!" I shout gladly.

She turns her head and her toothless grin appears on her face.

"Miss Katniss!" She says. We walk towards each other and my knees buckle when she wraps her pair of tiny arms around my waist. Brushing my fingers through her hair, I smell a bit of lavender perfume against her neck. We pull each other closer, trying to capture the moment in memory before I pull out to look at her.

"How are you? Are you okay?" I ask worriedly.

She nods and continues to sooth me with her smile.

"I'm alright. Just a bruise, want to see? It looks like a butterfly!" She says excitedly.

Pulling her sleeve up against her elbow, a large and misshapen bruise shows itself along her wrist. Swollen but not broken, thankfully. Lara draws the outline of the purple patch, revealing the butterfly-like image against her skin. I chuckle softly. Only a child as innocent as she, could find the beauty in something so painful.

"I also wanted…I also came to say I'm sorry." She says. I look back in her eyes to discover that sadness has replaced her usual excitement.

"For what?" I ask.

"You could have been hurt, it would have been my fault. I should not have been up there…in the rain." She says. Her eyes find the floor and she bows her head in guilt.

I should be frustrated with her, I suppose. But seeing her so dejected and sorrowful wounds me like an arrow to my chest. I brush her hair off of her shoulders and pull her close to me again.

"Do you forgive me?" She whispers.

"Of course I do," I say, "Just as long as you promise to stay out of thunderstorms from now on."

Her toothy smile greets me again and she nods her head in agreement.

"I promise." She says, crossing her hand over her heart.

I lead her back to her spot at the table. Greasy Sae comes over as well, carrying in our lunch. Smoked pheasant and toasted rye bread. A hardy meal and I feel proud to share it with Lara.

Sae and I tear into the pheasant and slap butter haphazardly onto our bread before stuffing it into our mouths. Lara hangs back though and I watch her curiously.

For someone so young, she is remarkably well mannered. Silently pulling her napkin into her lap. She uses a small fork to skewer a bit of the meat back to her plate and butters her toast with a knife, never greasing her hands. After she finishes, she begins the meal, daintily popping the food into her mouth.

Her actions are somewhat embarrassing for me. I am nearly ten years older and a foot taller than her but my savage manners make me feel inferior.

Table etiquette was rarely used in my starving District 12. Why care about how to eat when finding food is hard enough anyway? In the Capitol before the games, Effie tried to teach me. How I should hold a fork and knife correctly and gracefully chew my food. But her consistent criticism did little to alter my habits. Now watching Lara, I suddenly wish I had paid more attention.

I quit my gorging and decide to make conversation instead.

"Lara, why were you up there, on the hill?" I ask curiously.

She looks up from her plate and thinks a moment before forming an answer.

"I was collecting plants for Mama. There are a whole slew of herbs and roots up by the creek bed." She says.

"Really?" I ask.

"Oh yes! There's Marsh Bell Flowers, spotted jewelweeds, parsnip and…"

She suddenly stops and looks at me before leaving her chair.

"I forgot! I even brought some for you!" She shouts and walks towards the kitchen counter.

I watch her as she collects a brown and wrapped sack and brings it back to me. Gently, I begin to tear the paper and look down at Lara's present. Four mushroom-like bulbs stare back at me and my hands begin to shake. I know them because I wear their name. Lara has brought me Katniss roots.

I leave reality for a moment and let my mind travel back to an image of my father. His strong shoulders flex as he pulls the plant from the watery ground. Brushing the mud away from the roots before smiling up at me and saying,

"_As long as you can find yourself, you'll never starve."_

My eyes mist over as I think of him. How I wish he were here to tell me what to do, how to survive and prosper.

I turn to Lara and smile quietly.

"Thank you," I say, "They are perfect."

She nods and grabs my hand, silently understanding their significance to me.

Greasy Sae takes the roots from my lap and returns to the kitchen while Lara and I finish our lunch. We don't talk much. Our silent exchange of looks after Lara gave me the roots said everything for us. We understand each other in a way that only survivors can.

A few minutes pass before Lara informs me that she must go. I walk her through the living room and to the entrance of my house. We are just about to give our goodbye hugs when a knock falls against the front door.

Lara steps back and I open the door. Peeta is standing before us.

"Well hello you two!" He says happily.

I stand there awkwardly while Lara runs happily into Peeta's strong arms.

"Peeta! What are you doing here?" She screams with excitement. They squeeze each other tightly before Peeta breaks the hug and kneels down in front of her.

Judging by the scene before me, I think Lara and Peeta have known each other for a while and have become close friends in the process. If I didn't know them, they would almost look like siblings. Blond curls, oceanic blue eyes and joyful laughter that melt could even the coldest of hearts.

"I just came by to drop of some bread. How are you Lara?" He asks.

"I am fine, thank you." She politely replies.

He grabs one of her hands and pulls himself from the ground.

"Are you headed back to town?" He asks.

"Yes, I was just saying goodbye." Lara says. Peeta and she turn back to look at me while I quietly admire them.

"I have an idea." Peeta says, "Why don't we all walk to town together?"

"Oh please!" Lara squeals, jumping up and down.

Peeta turns towards me and his eyes grow soft.

"How about you Katniss?" He asks softly.

I hesitate. Peeta knows how much I hate going to town. The destruction, scared homes and ash filled streets remind me of my actions. How I destroyed families, ruined lives and caused death. No, I don't like town but if it means spending more time with Lara and Peeta, perhaps I'll go.

"Alright" I whisper.

Peeta nods and Lara claps her hands before running down my porch steps.

The mud from yesterday's rain cakes our shoes as we walk but neither of us seems to mind. Lara runs ahead of Peeta and I, collecting fresh flowers and pushing them into her hair while singing soft songs of better days and lullabies.

Peeta and I hang back a ways, staring at the muddy trail below us Actively avoiding each other's gaze. For a minute, I think that maybe last night was a mistake, a moment of weakness that caused more awkwardness to erupt between us. But Peeta's voice stifles my doubts.

"How are you feeling?" He asks quietly.

"Much better." I say, "Almost as if it never happened."

"That's good to hear." He says.

We walk a ways further, watching Lara run ahead to a clump of trees before I have enough courage to grab Peeta by the arm and turn him to face me.

"I want thank you, for staying with me last night. You didn't have to." I say.

He smiles sheepishly and scuffles his feet.

"I know but that's what are friends for." He says.

I nod and smile back at him before we begin walking again, side by side.

About five minutes pass before we see Lara and her mother's home appear along the horizon line. I shudder. The house is eerily similar to the homes of the Seam. Four weak walls, one broken window and a crooked chimney pieced together sloppily. But Lara's happy gaze as she wanders toward it, proves that it is a place of love.

For a brief moment in time, I feel envious of her, walking towards a home with a mother who loves her, while I will walk back to a mansion that reeks of death. The thought hardens within me but when Lara turns to wave goodbye, the thought melts away with her smile.

Peeta and I wave back at her until her playful form is out of sight. I turn around. Ready to head back home but he gently tugs my arm.

"Katniss?" He asks shyly.

"Yeah?" I say.

"Could…could you come with me, for a moment?" He asks.

The dark and frightened expression Peeta wears on his face scares me. What does he want me to do? I don't know for sure but whatever it is, it will not be easy.

I nod though, trusting him enough. We walk uphill a ways, past trees and damaged buildings before Peeta takes hold of my hand and pulls it into his. I flinch away at first, thinking it to be a romantic gesture but he doesn't let go.

Judging by Peeta's expressionless eyes and powerful grip, I realize he must be incredibly scared. It is the same feeling that washes over me after a nightmare.

Where are we going that is making Peeta act like this?

I search my mind for an answer until Peeta pulls us to a stop. We stand along an edge of hill, overlooking a part the old District 12. My confusion grows thicker and I am just about to ask Peeta what's going on until I see he has turned slightly away from me.

His eyes are fixed on something below us and I decide to follow his line of sight. Running my eyes over the scene below us until I see what Peeta is staring at, what his causing him to hold my hand like a vice.

The remains and ashes of the Mellark Family Bakery.


End file.
